Marked Men

 Scandal. What can be a career-ender for one celebrity (Gary Glitter) can be a boon for another (Tommy Lee). Even some politicians manage to survive the front-page torture treatment with their jobs intact (Dick "Quickdraw" Cheney). But for others -- like actor-crusader Mel Gibson and disgraced ex-Congressman Mark Foley -- a little well-publicized egg on the face is, well, a lethal weapon.

At this point, there may be a few undiscovered tribes in the bowels of New Guinea that haven't heard about Gibson's anti-Semitism or Foley's lurid IM's -- or the fact that both men blame alcohol for their actions. The rest of us, however, won't be forgetting them anytime soon. And while Gibson already has some new films in the making, there's no harm in his having a backup plan -- and a backup man.

Enter Foley, whose list of crimes against traditional GOP values includes befriending some of those immoral Hollywood types, as you may have read. But what you haven't read is that one of Foley's movie-star buds is Gibson himself, and that the two have been collaborating on a record to settle their beefs once and for all.

Yes, they're making a hip-hop album, tentatively titled A Rage and a Page. Foley's use of Instant Messages to mack on teenagers may have been careless, but his sloppiness didn't end there: A last-minute brain fart before heading off to rehab resulted in Foley saving his IM conversation with Gibson to his hard drive. Here are some of the, uh, highlights.

Maf54: hey. are you there?

G-Mel#1: yep. i'm almost done with my first verse.

Maf54: me too.

G-Mel#1: here's what i have so far:

"so i had a little booze, and i took a little cruise

the next thing that i know i'm talkin' shit about the jews."

Maf54: wow that's pretty lame.

G-Mel#1: what do you mean "lame"? why don't you show me what you got?

Maf54: you want a jpeg? :)

G-Mel#1: stop being a perv and type your lyrics.

Maf54: all right. here goes.

"they say i'm like a shark/that's lurking in the dark

but i only asked the boy/if he'd like to be 'on the Mark'

but he wouldn't let it be/said i was too friendly

next thing i know i'm the number one public enemy.

G-Mel#1: dude, i think both of us need to step up our game. maybe we should just start beefin' with someone.

Maf54: like who? diddy? fitty?

G-Mel#1: i was thinking maybe, i dunno, matisyahu. i'd love to pop a cap in his side-locks-wearing ass.

Maf54: um . . . that's probably a bad idea.

G-Mel#1: what do you mean? are you some kind of jew lover?

Maf54: have u been drinking?

G-Mel#1: don't start on me, or mad max will whup your scrawny ass back to washington. oops. i forgot you're not allowed there anymore. hey, here's a line for you: "i wanted to be senator/but i ended up a predator."

Maf54: watch it, passion boy, or there'll be some real beef here pretty soon.

G-Mel#1: beef? what, are you getting aroused? or as you say, "do i make you horny?"

Maf54: stop. can we get back to the song?

G-Mel#1: sure. how about if you redo "boyz in da hood" as "boyz give me wood"?

Maf54: shut up.

G-Mel#1: ooh even better -- you can write one of those "shoulder lean" type dance move songs. call it "turn the page."

Maf54: dude.

G-Mel#1: or perhaps a little jay-z, huh? "i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." i'm sure you can relate to that.

Maf54: ha ha. and we'll name your solo album "hanukkkah's most wanted."

G-Mel#1: ah . . . touché.