Scene Music Festival 2007

Welcome to the first-annual Scene Music Festival. That's right: We 86'd our annual music awards. Forget popularity contests. Cleveland ain't L.A., and Scene isn't the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences -- or your high-school prom committee, for that matter. So why fake it? Let's just celebrate local music our own way: with lots of bands and enough booze to sink an aircraft carrier.

On Thursday, July 26, we're cutting off traffic on West Sixth and seizing control of five downtown party holes: the Velvet Dog, Blind Pig, Tequila Ranch, Liquid/Fusion, and Bar Flyy. With a diamond-encrusted wristband that costs a measly five bucks (the diamonds are really small), denizens from all over Northeast Ohio can stumble from club to club, sampling 36 of the region's most kick-ass musicians and DJs.

It's cliché, but yes, there's something for everyone -- from Mick Boogie, one of America's premier hip-hop DJs, to Disown, dark industrial rockers channeling the ghoulish spirit of Trent Reznor. We've got Return of Simple, perfect pop craftsmen you have to check out before they blow up and bolt. And for the urban-cowboy set, we've lassoed rural rockers the Jack Fords. If you ask nicely and provide enough whiskey, they may ride the Ranch's bull with you.

Use this official SMF guide to program your night. A full schedule will help you develop a clear plan of action, which you will promptly ditch upon falling in love with that special bassist. And Q-and-As with each band will provide the 411: Did you know, for instance, that High Scarab spins low-end dubstep wobblers? That the American Werewolves swam naked in the Cuyahoga? That Mick Boogie once got busy in the Rock Hall?

No, you didn't. But you do now. So read on. Inform yourself. Plot. Plan. And get that wristband. We may not be handing out awards this year, but we're giving a far greater gift: music, alcohol, and one damn fine excuse to miss work on a Friday. -- Justin F. Farrar

Chris Allen

8:30 P.M., BLIND PIG, FLOOR ONE

Website:

www.chrisallenmusic.com.

Personnel: Chris Allen, Chris Hanna, Doug McKean, Tom Prebish, and Joe Rohan.

Your best release: Goodbye Girl and the Big Apple Circus. It's got everything good rock needs: circus freaks, New York City, and Don Dixon on bass.

Three classic bands you would open for: The Replacements, the Clash, and the Heartbreakers.

Favorite place to play: My front porch.

Cleveland's no. 1 make-out spot: My front porch.

I'll never forget . . . lost on tour in Des Moines, Iowa, when a prostitute tried forcing her way into the van. As we drove off, she screamed, "Go the hell back to potato land, you bunch of chippies!"

Cleveland's greatest band: The GC5 -- last of the real Cleveland punk bands.

Why fans need to see you: We like to do the old-school three-hour set, if we can get away with it.

Which band will rule the Scene Music Festival? Do you have to ask?

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American Rockstar

9:20 P.M., VELVET DOG, FLOOR ONE

Website:

www.americanrockstar.com.

Personnel: Dallas Riffle, Scott Sykora, Mark Brown, and Kevin Corrigan.

Your best release: Adapter. It's both our heaviest and poppiest record.

Describe your sound: Power pop getting kicked in the balls by an aging metalhead.

Three bands you would open for: Alice in Chains, Slayer, and Spinal Tap.

Favorite venue to play: The Odeon (R.I.P.) and Peabody's.

Cleveland's no. 1 make-out spot: If chicks ever want to make out with us, anywhere is excellent.

Mayor Jackson should . . . shave! Good Lord, you're the f*cking MAYOR.

Best part of town: Anywhere near the lake, so as long as we can fish.

We'll never forget . . . when Jeff Niesel slammed our first record, then honored us with a spot on Scene's "Top 10 Worst Bands of 2000."

Your music sounds best when drinking . . . the blood of our enemies.

Which band will rule the Scene Music Festival? American Werewolves, especially if Trevor coldcocks some drunken idiot.

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American Werewolves

12 A.M., TEQUILA RANCH

Website:

www.americanwerewolves.com

Personnel: Trevor Moment, Tony Scambony, Brendan Moore, and Nate 68.

Your best release: We have a new disc coming out in October. It's the best one yet.

Describe your sound: Violent, '50s rock and roll, with the energy of early '80s hardcore.

Three bands you would open for: Dion, Bad Brains, and Crowd Deterrent.

I'll never forget . . . the Summer of Hate show '07. What a bloodbath.

Cleveland's no. 1 make-out spot: Ask some emo scenester. We're grown men.

Your biggest influence: Doo-wop and early hardcore.

Mayor Jackson should . . . stop jocking me. We have the community at its knees.

Ever swim naked in the Cuyahoga? Yes -- it sucked! I thought I was going to die. I saw a big rat swim by.

Which band will rule the Scene Music Festival? Do you really need to ask?

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Mick Boogie

7 P.M., LIQUID/FUSION

Website:

www.myspace.com/mickboogie.

Personnel: Commissioner of the League Crew (Cleveland's most popular DJ crew).

Your best release: Mick Boogie & Little Brother's And Justus for All. Considered a classic in underground hip-hop circles.