The Art Modell Awards

[The scene: The city's best and brightest convene for an opulent buffet at the downtown Ritz.]

Greetings and welcome to the 2007 Art Modell Awards, where tonight we pay tribute to those doing their best to turn Cleveland into a satellite nation of Jena, Louisiana.

Before we begin, let's offer a warm shout-out to Sam Miller, who's footing the bill for tonight's ceremonies. [Applause.] Unfortunately, Jimmy Dimora invested our banquet fund in his niece's dog-grooming operation after being told it would create 26,000 new jobs. It was an honest mistake, wasn't it Jimmy? [Laughter.]

In exchange for covering our deficit, the county has agreed to buy one of Sam's abandoned buildings for $22 million. After tasting those crab legs, I'm sure we can all agree this is a pretty good deal. [Applause.]

As a housekeeping note, I'd also urge people to avoid the fifth-floor men's room. Ever since that Idaho senator was busted at the Minneapolis airport, Carl Monday has been trying to recapture the magic of his Berea Library investigation. So if you see a guy pretending to fix the urinal, that's Carl. Just act like you don't notice the camera crew.

Now, without further ado, let's move on to tonight's honorees.

Our first winner needs no introduction. As president of the Cleveland City Council, Martin Sweeney has boldly taken the city to . . . well . . . ah . . . OK, let's just say he's done a lot of important stuff that's too numerous to mention at this time.

But his crowning achievement came this fall, when he was accused of sexually harassing council clerk Emily Lipovan.

Unlike most men of his stature, Marty didn't just hit on curvelicious blondes by staking out the ladies' room at Tequila Ranch. You're feeling me on this, aren't you Zack Reed? [Laughter.] No, he wanted to show a new, sensitive, equal-opportunity Cleveland, the kind of place where a City Council president will go perv on anyone, be it an aging policy wonk or a 67-year-old PTA treasurer.

Alas, some didn't appreciate Marty's enlightened approach to sexual predation. When the public caught wind of his secret plan to pay Lipovan $56,000 to go away, he was forced to hike the payoff by four grand.

Which leads us to tonight's teachable moment, ladies and gentlemen: Always keep such sloppy records that no one knows where the money's going. Isn't that right, Mike White? [Laughter.]

So without further delay, the Modell Committee is pleased to announce this year's winner of The Only City Council President in America Who Can't Get Chicks Award: Martin J. Sweeney! [Thunderous applause.]

Marty, would you like to say a few words? No? It appears Marty is a bit preoccupied with macking it to the coat-check girl. So let's just move on to our next honoree.

Surely you know him from the Warehouse District. He's the urbane councilman you always see with a drink in his hand and a covetous glint in his eye. Be it any night of the week — at least when he's not in jail or rehab — you can find Zack Reed on the prowl, pawing the finest feminine flesh this city has to offer.

Councilman Reed has been a one-man self-esteem boost for the entire region. He's hit on virtually every woman under the age of 30 within a 400-mile radius, leaving them feeling wanted and desired, though perhaps a little creeped out.

Sadly, one minor mistake did him in.

As any respectable ladies' man knows, you need a quality ride to get the quality females. But the same cannot be said of the professional hammered driver. After all, when one is passed out with the engine running on the side of a major thoroughfare, one is a lot more conspicuous in a BMW than, say, a panel van from a heating contractor.

Yet if there's anything the great Art Modell taught us, it's that the effort counts, since actual success is like really, really hard. So tonight we present the Tom Coyne Award for Best Hammered Public Official Who Should Really Find a More Discreet Means of Transportation: Zack Reed!

Unfortunately, Zack's currently in rehab. So accepting the award on his behalf will be Three John Carroll Coeds Whom He Once Hit on at Ultra!

Before we continue, Ritz management has requested that I make an important announcement. Everyone receiving silverware tonight is being asked to put down a deposit. Given the reputation of tonight's crowd, the hotel wants to ensure that all of its property is returned by the end of the evening.

With that in mind, can someone help Betty Montgomery empty her purse?

Now, let's continue with the festivities.

When we list the many treasures of our fair city, one entity inevitably rises to the fore: the Cleveland Orchestra. This august body is known worldwide to those who enjoy music invented by ancient hair-farmers from Vienna.