It’s Scene’s Lust survey on sex & romance. Grab a towel and join the fun

Bring on the Nasty 

It’s Scene’s Lust survey on sex & romance. Grab a towel and join the fun

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Best Cleveland-area locale where you can legally have sex.

TOP ANSWER: Club Eros

Other responses: • Ninth and Euclid. I sodomize there. • Given my druthers, I would have to say Parma Mayors Court. • Behind produce section of Giant Eagle. • Escape. • Renaissance Hotel. • The Ritz.

"I sort of thought that

era was gone,"

Laura says when informed

what Club Eros is.

"Things that are forbidden tend to appeal to a younger crowd,"

Laura says. "The question with any of these is: Was it pre-meditated?

People generally like having it be slightly public and slightly risqué, and we seem to have a lot of guys in this area who like to admit to that."

"I hope they have a

condom machine."

Who would you rather....?

Colt McCoy or Grady Sizemore

Colt:

• He is a gentleman.

• Baseball players are gross with all their steroids

and belly pudge and spitting.

• Colt is better looking.

• He's on fire!

Grady:

• I am pretty sure Colt McCoy is too stupid

to fuck well.

• At least he looks like an adult.

• It's all about the smile.

• While everything is bigger in Texas,

nice guys finish last.

• Colt's been fucked too many times this year.

Patricia Heaton or Michael Heaton?

Your answer settles a sibling wager.

Michael: 29%

• I don't eat tuna.

• Great sense of humor.

• The title "Minister of Culture"

sounds really impressive.

• He's still in Cleveland.

• It's the goatee.

Patricia: 52%

• Funny and pretty — the best combo ever!

• Although if you squint they look alike.

Patricia but with Michael's Beard: .1%

Don't know/neither: 19%

Michael: 29%

• I don't eat tuna.

• Great sense of humor.

• The title "Minister of Culture"

sounds really impressive.

• He's still in Cleveland.

• It's the goatee.

Patricia: 52%

• Funny and pretty — the best combo ever!

• Although if you squint they look alike.

Patricia but with Michael's Beard: .1%

Don't know/neither: 19%

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?

• 5 guys at once

• Anal sex in the kitchen of my ex-girlfriend's apartment.

The blinds were open, the lights were on, plus her roommate

could have walked in at any moment.

• Dressed up in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, my date dressed as a priest.

He washed my feet with his hair, and then...

• Every June I tie my dick in a square knot until after Labor Day.

• Got a blowjob in the same room my wife was in.

• Had sex on the 13th hole at a golf course.

• Had sex overlooking the I-71 overpass.

• Hot wax, tequila, a knife, handcuffs, and a vibrating cock ring.

• I haven't been very adventurous, but one time I had to untangle my

roommate's boyfriend from our window blinds after she decided that

was the most stable place to tie him up.

• Let wife play with others.

• Made love at Spaces art museum.

• Sex in the bathroom where I work.

• The "guess what object I'm putting in you while blindfolded" game.

• Tied up my husband and then did his asshole, much to his surprise.

Laura concedes that her choice of dream Clevelander dates her just a bit: Paul Newman. "He was an actor," she says with a faraway gaze. "But that was his job. It wasn't his life."

Ever gotten it on with

more than one person?

If so, how did that go?

• Yep. It was fine but felt embarrassing the next day.

• 2 girlfriends ... I slept for two days afterwards.

• Eiffel Tower. Was hilarious.

• No, but a double cowboy sounds nice.

• Pekar and I double-banged R. Crumb back in '71.

It was fine, though Pekar smelled like old cheese.

• Helped a friend service his girlfriend back in college. I think his

girl and I enjoyed it more than he did. But we're all still friends today.

• I have enough trouble satisfying one woman. If I had to try

to satisfy more than one at a time, I think my brain would melt.

• Four girls from a roller derby team out west.

It went OK. Not as fun as expected.

"If you notice, the 65 percent who say

they've had multiple partners matches the percentage of males who took the

survey. I find that interesting."

Touche, good doctor!

"God bless those people that are

even admitting

to these things,"

Laura says.

"Even if they

probably

are lying."

Machine Gun Kelly or Leon Bibb. You gotta pick one.

MGK: 37%

• Because Leon Bibb might have a

heart attack at his age.

• All about the tats.

• I guess he allegedly willed a

disabled child to walk? That probably

is indicative of deeper skills.

• Never Leon Bibb — he gives me the creeps.

Leon: 26%

• Fo sho.

• He seems congenial enough.

• Kelly is a douche.

• Class act.

• Leon Bibb is one fine chocolate banana.

• Great voice.

• MGK is so obnoxious.

Don't know/neither: 37%

"I do know Leon Bibb," Laura says evenly, her voice giving

way to a sip of decaf latte. Not sure what to make of that.

As it turns out, Laura Chapman, ace psychotherapist, isn't all that worried about you after all. "There's something about the answers across the board that speaks to longing and connection and intimacy," she says. "And that's sweet. People are romantic, and they long for intimacy and they long for a playful side. They also have their anger about the disappointments they've had."

And in the end, it's all perfectly passable that you'd like to boff a judge, or that you've soiled countless family attractions with your various secretions, or that you're a cheating satchel of shit who doesn't feel all that guilty about it.

"As raunchy as people are, people still long for relationships," says Laura.

"Romanticism is what pulls people forward in life."

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