Comedian

Mitch Fatel 

Comedian

Mitch Fatel is such a veteran stand-up comic that he's been cracking wise professionally as long as his girlfriend has been alive. The charismatic Fatel, who's in his mid-30s, has been a standup since he was 15. His gal pal is 21. After chatting with Fatel, it's not surprising that much of his act is inspired by his preoccupation with sex. During a recent phone interview, Fatel talked about his latest lovely lady, and the shallow comic got surprisingly deep while pondering the presidential election. Last year you were going out with a 19-year-old. What happened?

We broke up, but there was nothing like going out with a 19-year-old. All she eats is chicken fingers. I can afford like 50 orders of chicken fingers a day. Compared to her 19-year-old friends, I was like Donald Trump. When I let her order chicken fingers and mozzarella sticks, she almost cried.

Why did you break up?

She turned 20 and she put on some weight. All those chicken fingers caught up with her. Now I'm going out with an Asian girl. I love it since Asian girls love their men. Not only is she very hot, she cooks for me. Oh, she wears great lingerie.

Are you going to marry her?

During sex I always tell her I'm going to marry her, and when we're done, I tell her to make me a sandwich.

If your history is an indicator, you won't marry this girl. You go from one babe to the next.

I should have an STD by now, but I don't. I have stuck my penis in some dicey places. Sometimes my penis is like, "Hey, wait a minute, we ought to talk this over, chief." I just say, "Do what you're told. I'm drinking Jager now; there's no talking to me now.'

What celebrity do you covet?

Kim Kardashian. I would do her even if [her boyfriend] Reggie Bush was in the room. She's just so hot.

What are your other sexual fantasies?

I would like to do a dead orgy with The Golden Girls. I'm hot for Estelle Getty. I also want to have sex with the bald Britney [Spears]. Her high-profile friends like Paris Hilton are hot.

You cover sex, but you don't say much about politics in your act. Will that change since Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter Bristol are hot topics? I don't talk about politics in my act, but I will say that [Barack] Obama has blown his load. With him, it was all premature ejaculation. It was all about Obama, and now it's all about Palin. I don't think Obama will win. Hillary [Clinton] should have been the candidate. But this is what'll happen: John McCain will win the election, we'll live through the next four years and then Hillary will be the president in 2012.

You can't joke about anything with the Obama camp.

Nobody can make fun of Obama, and that's a problem. Some politicians can't laugh at themselves. Look at Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Those guys are so serious, it's crazy. I don't understand it. If you get into politics, get ready to be made fun of. But it's more than politics. What bothers me more is that colleges are serious places now. I played a college and was told that there was one rule. I was told I couldn't talk to anyone in the audience. I was told that the kids don't want to be made fun of or ostracized. That's not fun. It's so politically correct, I can't stand it. I don't want anything to get in the way of my job. It bums me out.

At least you can go home to your Asian girlfriend.

Yeah, and we can have sex and she can make me a sandwich.

The first thing you say to a crowd is always "I'm Mitch Fatel and I'm very funny." What's up with that?

The first time I went to a show when I was very young, I thought it would be funny if a comic would come out and say that, and I was right.

jniesel@clevescene.com

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