Savage Love: Diapers and Peepers 

Dear Dan,

I've been dating a nice guy for a month or so. Sex is good, and we're faulty compatible in other ways, too. He told me he likes to wear diapers. He said he doesn't want me to do it with him, but that every once in a while he likes to wear them because it makes him feel "safe." He said that this odd behavior isn't sexual for him, but I have trouble believing him. I'm not sure how I feel about this. He also said that it embarrasses him and he wishes it wasn't something he needed. If you have any insight into what to ask him or how to make sure I can keep him satisfied sexually as we move forward (if we do), it would be appreciated.

—Do I Ask Pooper Everything Respectfully, Sir?

You shouldn't assume (contra your sign-off) that Potential New Boyfriend (PNB) is pooping his diapers. Most guys who are ABDL (adult baby/diaper lover) are interested only in wetting themselves, if that. (Some only wear, never fill.) It sounds like PNB is struggling with kink- and/or sex-shame, DIAPERS, and the assumption you've made about the extent of his diaper play might put him on the defensive. Even if your assumption is accurate, it could still put him on the defensive.

Moving on...

You have a hard time believing PNB when he says there's nothing sexual about his interest in diapers, and that makes two of us. Seeing as he's already succumbed to shame where his kink is concerned—or it might be more accurate to say he hasn't dug himself out from under the shame almost all kinksters struggle with initially—he is very likely weighed down by the sex-negativity that comes bundled with kink-shame.

That said, DIAPERS, "this makes me feel safe" and "this makes my dick hard" aren't mutually exclusive phenomena. Both can be true. (And if diapers really do make adults feel safe—and I wanna see data on that—we could rebrand them as "portable individual safe spaces" and make them available at our better universities.)

Another clue there's something sexual about this thing for diapers: not wanting you around while he wears them. Maybe diapers are something he enjoys wearing during alone time, or maybe the sight of him in diapers makes the sexual aspect hard to deny.

I would advise you to say some vaguely affirming things ("Your diaper thing doesn't bother me, and wouldn't even if it were sexual") without pressuring him to include you at diaper time. Don't rush things—relationship-wise or diaper-wise—and focus on establishing a mutually satisfying sexual rapport/repertoire.

P.S. I think you meant "fairly compatible" not "faulty compatible." Normally I would correct a mistake like this before printing a letter—but I rather liked your accidental phrase. A loving and functional-but-imperfect relationship—really the best we can hope for—could be described as faulty compatible.

Dear Dan,

A local park in Seattle often hosts gay men engaging in sexual activities. As a straight female, I love watching man-on-man sex and really wanted to check out this park. I stopped by at night and noticed "cruising" going on but no sexual activity. I decided to try on a busy Saturday night, and sure enough, I saw a man giving a BJ to another man. I scared the men—they stopped their activities and left the park when they saw me watching—and I felt bad. I feel like I should have said something like "Don't let me stop you!" and then perhaps been able to watch. What are my options here?

Peculiar And Rare Kink

Two options: Dress up like a dude and pass yourself off as one of the guys/park-pervs—guys into man-on-man public sex usually aren't adverse to being observed by other male park-pervs—or stay home and watch gay porn on the internet until you've homicided love. (Porn kills love—so says the Mormon Church, so you know it's true.)

As for the two guys who knocked it off when they spotted you: They either thought you were a cop (it's illegal to be in Seattle parks after closing, and it's extra illegal to have sex in a public park after hours) or thought you might be shocked or annoyed.

One last reason they may have pulled up their pants: They weren't interested in performing for you. Gay and bi men who have sex in parks—many of them straight-identified men—aren't there to perform for pervy straight ladies. But I'm not going to scold you (even at the risk of being scolded myself), PARK, because park-pervs risk being observed by other members of the public—and women are members of the public, too, and just as entitled to get their perv on in a public park as they are.


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