Savage Love: Fixations, Oral and Otherwise 

Dear Dan,

I'm a 24-year-old male, married three years, monogamous. My wife and I are religious and were both virgins when we got married. I'm sexually frustrated with two things. (1) How can I get her to give me oral sex? (She has never given and I have never received oral sex. I regularly give her oral sex.) She is afraid to try it, saying she's not ready yet. About every six months, I bring it up and it leads to a fight. She is a germophobe, but I think she believes fellatio is done only in porn. (I used to look at porn, which nearly ended our then-dating relationship.) (2) I feel like I'm always giving and never receiving any type of affection: massages, kisses, caresses, you name it. It's like having sex with a sex doll — no reciprocation. How do I broaden our sex life without making her feel like we're in a porno?

Sexually Frustrated

If you don't already have children — you don't mention kids — please don't have any, SF, at least not with your first wife.

You're a religious person, SF, a lifestyle choice I don't fully understand. But you're also a sexual person, and that I do understand. And if you want a lifelong, sexually exclusive, and sexually fulfilling relationship, then you must prioritize sexual compatibility during your search for the second Mrs. SF. Because your next marriage is likelier to survive for the long haul if you're partnered with someone who is attracted to you physically and is aroused — roughly speaking — by the same sex acts, positions, and fantasies you are.

In other words: Don't marry someone and hope she likes sucking your dick. You tried that, and it didn't work. Find someone who likes sucking your dick and marry her.

Dear Dan,

I'm a straight woman in my early 30s, and I just don't like receiving oral sex. I love giving blowjobs and can orgasm from PIV sex, but I seem to be one of the few women who don't enjoy guys going down on me. I'm not uncomfortable with it, but it doesn't get me off. I also get wet easily, so it's not like I need it as foreplay. As I've gotten older, and the guys I sleep with have gotten older, it seems like most want to spend a great deal of time down there. I've tried being up front about not liking it in general, but guys either get offended or double down and do it more because they assume I've never been with a guy who "could do it right." Any ideas on how to handle this?

Needs Oral Preference Explainer

The observation you make regarding older straight guys — older straight guys are more enthusiastic about going down on women — is something I've heard from other female friends. They couldn't get guys to go down on them in their 20s, and they can't get guys in their 30s and 40s to stop going down on them. (SF, above, is clearly an outlier.) The obvious solution to your dilemma, NOPE: Only fuck guys in their 20s.

Dear Dan,

Fan from Sweden here! Question: My fetish has no name. It is a "worshipping" fetish, for want of a better term, where I am the one being worshipped. Not by one man, but all men of the earth. The worshipping itself, while sexual, is not bound to my body parts. It would be great to have this named.

Lack Of Vocabulary Enervates My Experiences

A year ago, I would've diagnosed you with "caligulaphilia," LOVEME, after the Roman emperor Caligula, who considered himself a living god, and -philia, the go-to suffix meaning "abnormal appetite or liking for." But these days, I'd say you were suffering from a bad case of "trumpophilia."


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