Savage Love 

I'm a Man Now

Dear Dan:

I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I've had gender issues for the past five years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn't be with me anymore. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues and her fears of me transitioning into a woman.

I can see now that my insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfish partner in many ways, but mainly in the bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me.

I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the apathetic, distant, and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I find myself overwhelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn't do the things she needed, when in reality I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.

Found Myself Lost

You're not asking me for advice. You're handing me a dog with a torn-up ass and saying, "Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me, wouldya?" That's part of my job. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, and your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.

It wasn't your gender issues or kinks or anxieties that screwed that pooch. You were working through some serious shit. What you can be faulted for is your thoughtlessness, inconsideration, and neglect. You were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive your girlfriend's reasonable sexual and emotional needs.

We don't have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in one. But we do have to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. And your poor, neglected, taken-for-granted girlfriend stuck it out for three long years before finally calling it quits.

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you've come to a couple of big realizations: You know yourself to be a straight man now and you can see that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that you couldn't meet her needs then but you can now. The only way you prove this to her is if she takes you back. Considering the price she's paid, she's likely to pass. If she does, resolve to learn from your mistakes and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

Dear Dan:

I am a lesbian-identified bi woman who has been with my ladyfriend (also a LIBW) for seven years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I've had a handful of group-sex experiences, and I know that they can be fun but they can also go very wrong. I am worried that she isn't prepared to see me have sex with a man, and I fear that once we are in the moment she won't be assertive enough to stop something that she suddenly isn't comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?

Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we wouldn't have to see again, so friends are out. Basically, I want a man who I know is friendly with the queer community and will respect our relationship and our boundaries. Where do we look for this?

Another Bi Woman

Established couples that want safety, respect, and a measure of accountability from their very special guest sex stars should look first to flirty friends and friendly exes. But you two, like so many threesome-seeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immediately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means finding and vetting a stranger. And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profile that you're looking for someone who (1) is queer-friendly, (2) respects your relationship, and (3) doesn't think the "right" penis will turn you both straight.

Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, of course, which means you could wind up in bed with a man who doesn't believe any of those things. But he'll know to keep his mouth shut, and since you're not going to see him again, does it really matter what he thinks?

As for your fear that your girlfriend won't speak up: Address that with her at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for your first threesome.

Dear Dan:

I'm a 32-year-old bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I'm GGG and excited to try out new-to-me stuff. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball-busting before reading the letter from BSTD in your column last week. Now I don't know if I should thank or curse BSTD for giving me a new kink! I think watching this would be so hot!

Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex

I'm not one to toss that cruel "there's someone out there for everyone" bullshit around. Fact is, some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren't the reason. Whatever your kink might be, shy lil' kinksters, there are kinksters out there who either share it or will spark to it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE ON EARTH: Be sure to watch Savage U on MTV on Tuesday nights, 11 p.m./10 p.m. Central in the United States and 10 p.m. in Canada.

Latest in Savage Love

More by Dan Savage


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Most Popular

No recently-read stories.

Visit the archives…



Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Facebook Activity

© 2015 Cleveland Scene: 737 Bolivar Rd., Suite 4100, Cleveland, OH 44115, (216) 241-7550
Logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners.

Website powered by Foundation