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You can get anything on the internet. And this is not a good thing.

The Beastie Boys are looking to unload their defunct - record label online.
  • The Beastie Boys are looking to unload their defunct record label online.
There's a great scene in Richard Linklater's Slacker, where an excitable stoner chick tries to sell a Madonna Pap smear to passersby. "It's a little bit closer to the rock god herself than just a poster" she argues in her sales pitch, to no avail. Well, with the advent of online auctioning, now everybody's selling somebody's unmentionables. The internet's flooded with folks hawking rock-and-roll detritus, from Led Zeppelin postage stamps to the Beastie Boys' defunct record label, and from Alice Cooper panties to John and Yoko's marriage license. Yes, the world of the rare and ridiculous is no more than a mouse click away. Witness one recent afternoon's treasure trove of eBay crap, and marvel that it's probably all been bought by now.

Kylie Minogue Cuff Links
Leave it to Kylie Minogue to put the ass in class. And nothing screams refinement like a pair of swanky cuff links adorned with the image of a lingerie-clad pop star who looks as if she just stepped from the pages of Big Uns. We're not sure what kind of function calls for this hot item -- which captures Kylie in black panties and bra with matching garters, all for $15 -- but if you're ever headed to a bar mitzvah at the Crazy Horse, these will surely come in handy. It's more horny merch from a hot-to-trot popster who has, hands down, the most extensive and bizarre collection of goods available online; don't miss these other hot Kylie auctions: naughty desk clocks, money clips, seat cushions -- even Kylie-brand bottled water. No doubt you'll build up a thirst, hunting down all this landfill fodder.

Dimmu Borgir Candy Treats
These bite-size candies are the only thing sweet about the Norwegian black metal troupe Dimmu Borgir, whose latest album bears the reassuring title Death Cult Armageddon. Chewy sugar treats from a bunch of Lucifer-lovin' longhairs rank right up there with Clorox suppositories on our long list of shit to avoid at all costs. Nevertheless, for a mere $5, you can get your satanic snack on with a helping of these scrumptious fruit bites, complete with pentagram-adorned packaging; order now to guarantee Easter arrival! Eternal damnation has never tasted yummier.

Christina Aguilera's Bathwater
With her painted-on tan, mascara applied thick as the earth's crust, and the libido of a sailor on shore leave, Christina Aguilera is funkier than morning breath. But if filth is your thing, nothing says, "I'm your No. 1 idiot fan" better than the purchase of this sealed tub of used bathwater from a recent photo shoot Christina did for FHM. The white thong she donned for the shoot is also part of the deal. All it costs is $1,000, in addition to your pride, dignity, self-respect, etc.

Abba: The Soap
As any dancing queen or king can attest to, you work up quite a sweat kicking it at the discotheque. When it's time to hit the showers, what better way to come clean than with Abba: The Soap, a vintage '70s bar painstakingly embossed with a lovey-dovey group shot of everybody's favorite Swedish geeks, smiling like they owe you money. Don't even try to deny the thrill of scrubbing your naughty bits with the leering faces of Agnetha, Anni-Frid, and company, and for a starting bid of $5, it's a bargain. Caution: The gnarly 'stache of singer Bjorn Ulvaeus, which looks like a napping ferret, may irritate sensitive skin.

Elvis's Hair
The Butthole Surfers sang about smoking Elvis's toenails, and now you can rival the sheer grossness with your winning bid on a mounted strand of Elvis's hair, perfect for hanging alongside your kids' baby pictures. It comes in a one-by-three-foot frame with a certificate of authenticity (no bootleg coifs here). Bidding starts at a whopping $80, but score this charming little memento, and you'll be the envy of obsessive losers everywhere. Even those Lord of the Rings-lusting dweebs in their moldering hobbit get-ups would have to give you a tip of the broadsword.

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More by Jason Bracelin

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