With Phantom Planet. Friday, April 22, at the Wolstein Center at CSU.

Sting 

With Phantom Planet. Friday, April 22, at the Wolstein Center at CSU.

Sting's given name is Gordon Sumner, he's beginning to look a lot like Jurassic Park's Sam Neill, and his boner lasts for like four hours without the benefit of Viagra. This much we know about the man. What we don't know about Sting is now readily available in the form of a memoir, Broken Music, penned by Sumner himself. Autobiographical and structurally wacky, the paperback features such pearls as the following: "I lie in the darkness of my attic bedroom above the dairy, where I have successfully ejaculated into my hand for the first time."

Thanks for sharing.

Richer, however, is a section where Sting recounts, through an onslaught of six-million-dollar words, a series of random hallucinatory maneuvers. Sting later reveals that he was tripping on a certain foreign substance when he wrote the section. See if you can guess what Sting was on when he wrote the following:

"The spiraling geometric entities behind my closed eyelids vibrate with the rhythm of the music and begin to morph into distinct humanoid shapes, dazzling, bejeweled, and specifically female. I have never in my life seen such gorgeous creatures and yet there is something intrinsically alien about them, something cruelly beautiful, almost insect-like and profoundly sexual . . . I am ushered into a large chamber, like the inside of a beehive at the center of which is a table with a chessboard. On the other side of the board is an exquisite female being of an even higher order of beauty and status than my attendant creatures, who bid me to sit down. They arrange themselves in an elegant circle around the table. In front of me are the white pieces. I am clearly expected to play . . . The black rook murders the white knight. Again the king is exposed, in mortal chamber. Flagrant obscenities are being whispered in my ear. I can hardly breathe. A snakelike, insidious tongue thrills the skin of my neck below the ear, as the black queen presents herself to the wounded king. The word check echoes around the room with cruel insolence."

What substance did Sting ingest in order to produce this incorrigible pile of crap? A) Cocaine. B) Ecstasy. C) Mushroom tea. D) Ayahuasca. E) Bat semen. F) All of the above.

(Correct answer: D) Ayahuasca, a potent liquid hallucinogen derived from the South American Banisteriopsis caapi vine. That's just so Sting, isn't it?)

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