Friday, September 29, 2006

You Jackin' It?

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 6:06 PM

We've written a lot about local investigative reporter Carl Monday's unintentional comic genius — particularly his ruthless takedown of the Library Masturbator and his squabble with the Masturbator's dad. So this week, when I clicked on Carl's blog in search of more comedic inspiration, the tears of joy flowed like Mickey's when I read this: "It's 7:30am ... and a 'reporter' and two photographers are camped out at the end of my driveway. Wait ... isn't that my job? The 'reporter' approaches and barks out something like this ...' Carl, I'm a big fan of yours. How do you like going after sleeze bags?' This must be some kind of a joke. Well, in fact it is. The kind you find on Comedy Central." Carl went onto explain that a Daily Show correspondent ambushed him recently, and spent the day shooting footage around Cleveland for a piece to run this week. I excitedly tuned into Comedy Central last night, and sure enough, between John Stewart's goofy President Bush impressions and an interview with James McGreevey, I was treated to Jason Jones, the show's funniest correspondent, cranking it in front of Browns Stadium. God Bless basic cable. I won't spoil the details, but rest assured there's a classic confrontation between Jones and Carl. And there are plenty of scenic shots of Cleveland — accented by Jason Jones pretending to, as Carl would say, "pleasure himself." If you can get Comedy Central's spotty video archives to work, you can watch the piece here. Just click on "Rubbing out crime." The show airs again tonight at 8, and the video should be up on YouTube soon enough. There's also a really awkward video of Carl confronting Jason Jones here. Enjoy. — Joe P. Tone.
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The Party of Perverts

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 5:50 PM

Though Republican leaders like to bag on fags, it might be wise to never trust people so obsessed with the sexual activity of another man. Introducing Florida congressman Mark Foley. He actually founded the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. That's like hiring John Mark Karr to babysit. But he had to resign after he was caught sending flirtatious emails to a 16-year-old boy who worked in his office. Hey, at least Clinton was into chicks. And they were over 18. The Foley case has a familiar ring, since it parallels the private doings of Summit County's own Republican boss, Alex Arshinkoff, who frequents campaigns against homos by day and paws at them like a lonely sailor by night. It seems the Party of Moral Values is being hosted by the Whore of Babylon. -- Kevin Hoffman
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Tailgating at the mall

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 5:34 PM

Tailgate parties at football-stadium parking lots are so 2003. Real sports fans know that the best tailgate parties happen outside of the mall on game day. Sunday's tailgate party in front of the new Dick's Sporting Goods at Westfield Southpark features such gridiron staples as giant inflatables, jugglers, and stilt-walkers. It happens from 9 a.m. to noon, presumably so shoppers can get inside the mall to purchase some Bath & Body Works Sensual Amber body moisturizer. before kickoff. --Michael Gallucci
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Judaism: The best religion ever

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 5:31 PM

Polite society dictates that we must respect all religions. But that's stupid, isn't it? After all, Judaism is way better than your religion. To prove it -- and in honor of the Jewish High Holy Days (Monday is Yom Kippur) -- we offer these Ten Reasons Why You Should Really Wish You Were a Jew: 1. On certain holidays, such as Purim (the Jewish version of Halloween), getting drunk is required. 2. We only have one day a year when we must confess our sins. Catholics have to do it every week. Morons. 3. Our holiest days require that we not work. In fact, working on Friday nights, our Sabbath, is totally against the rules. You're supposed to have sex instead. (Okay, so only with your wife, but you don't see the Protestants approving pro-boning commandments, do you?) 4. Hanukah features eight days of presents; Christmas has only one. What were you people thinking? 5. Our calendar is lunar, which means Christians can never figure out which days we're supposed to have off. This comes in handy when you want to call in sick with a hangover. "I can't come to work, boss. It's Matzoh Ball Day." 6. Fried food is a big part of some holidays. Eating potato pancakes and donuts is considered a good deed. 7. Our New Year lasts two days, so we get to party twice as long. 8. On Yom Kippur, you're not supposed to shave or brush your teeth. Our religion doesn't damn slacking; it promotes it. 9. Think of Yom Kippur as an enforced diet. You're can't eat for 24 hours, and it's hard to sneak cookies with God watching. 10. We actually invented the low carb diet. On Passover, we can't eat bread for a whole week. Atkins is a fraud. -- Lisa Rab & Rebecca Meiser
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Chocolate Wars

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 5:06 PM

When news hit the international drag community that the Hershey Chocolate company was considering legal action against Toledo drag queen Hershae Chocolatae for trademark infringement ("Bitter Chocolate," September 13, 2006), they mobilized quickly, calling for a boycott of all Hershey products. We wanted to show that the drag community is "one to be reckoned with," says Amanda Lynn Harding-Storm Turner, the Canada organizer. She's asking gay people, drag queens, and gay-owned to not purchase Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Bars, Hershey Kisses, Hershey Cookies, Almond Joy, Twizzlers, Jolly Ranchers, Ice Breakers, Take 5, York Peppermint Patties, Hershey Syrup, Smores or Pay Days. "We want to show Hershey Chocolates that the gay community, drag queens and others associated with us have the will as consumers ... to make a dent in the income of the company," says Turner. "They have hit the gay and drag community we feel unfairly by taking legal action against a well respected member." -- Rebecca Meiser
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"Dateline" predator gets 17 months

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 5:01 PM

After Iraq-war vet Mike Barnett was arrested for robbing pedophiles ["To Rob A Predator," September 20, 2006], the public debated whether victimizing perverts merited a veteran's arrest. Half said yes, the other half said no. After all, Barnett's scheme was patterned after the popular Dateline segment "To Catch A Predator," where reporters pose online as a 15-year-old girl and then lure pedophiles to a house, where they're arrested. The only twist to Barnett's ruse was that he robbed about a dozen sexual predators before setting them free. He was charged on eight counts of extortion and robbery. On September 21, Carroll County Prosecutor Don Burns decided to go easy on Barnett. He offered him 17 months in prison if he'd plead guilty to just one count of attempted extortion. Barnett accepted the deal. His father, Tom, says 14 of those 17 months will be suspended and after 30 days, Barnett may receive a judicial release. Barnett's wife, Maria, who was also arrested for aiding in her husband's scam, is still under house arrest and awaiting trial. She is also hoping for a sweet deal. Despite her new criminal record, Maria's future has been looking up lately. Her attorney, Brendan Delay, says Maria, a 21-year-old Italian immigrant, was recently approved for her green card. She was also accepted into Muskingum College, where she hopes to study biology. Alas, "She won't be able to attend," Delay says. "It's hard to be a co-ed and be in jail — not even Oberlin College offers that program." -- Denise Grollmus
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Gallucci's verdict

Posted By on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 at 4:41 PM

Scene calendar editor Mike Gallucci, more commonly known as the Great Music Critic in the History of the World�, launches his first installment of What I Listened to Last Night, a chance for readers to hear the voice of God -- or perhaps a lesser saint -- on all matters music: Chingy — Hoodstar: With cuts like "Club Getting' Crowded" and "Ass N Da Aurr" filling his third CD, this young rapper pretty much has two things on his mind (and they both involve ballin'). And didn't Master P do a song about "Dem Jeans" a couple years ago? Yawn. Making the mix: "Pullin' Me Back." Gov't Mule — High & Mighty: Allman Brothers guitarist Warren Haynes' other band piles on the Southern boogie for a whopping 70-plus minutes. There's a hefty stomp to the music, but it's a little numbing, especially when Haynes loses himself in "Whipping Post"-style solos. Making the mix: "Mr. High & Mighty." The Pogues: Peace and Love: There's a great EP buried in this flawed 1989 album. Drugs and booze pretty much consumed singer Shane MacGowan — who appears on only half of the tracks — by this time. The remastered reissue adds some leftovers from the era. Making the mix: "White City."
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