Polite society dictates that we must respect all religions. But that's stupid, isn't it? After all, Judaism is way better than your religion. To prove it -- and in honor of the Jewish High Holy Days (Monday is Yom Kippur) -- we offer these Ten Reasons Why You Should Really Wish You Were a Jew:
1. On certain holidays, such as Purim (the Jewish version of Halloween), getting drunk is required.
2. We only have one day a year when we must confess our sins. Catholics have to do it every week. Morons.
3. Our holiest days require that we not work. In fact, working on Friday nights, our Sabbath, is totally against the rules. You're supposed to have sex instead. (Okay, so only with your wife, but you don't see the Protestants approving pro-boning commandments, do you?)
4. Hanukah features eight days of presents; Christmas has only one. What were you people thinking?
5. Our calendar is lunar, which means Christians can never figure out which days we're supposed to have off. This comes in handy when you want to call in sick with a hangover. "I can't come to work, boss. It's Matzoh Ball Day."
6. Fried food is a big part of some holidays. Eating potato pancakes and donuts is considered a good deed.
7. Our New Year lasts two days, so we get to party twice as long.
8. On Yom Kippur, you're not supposed to shave or brush your teeth. Our religion doesn't damn slacking; it promotes it.
9. Think of Yom Kippur as an enforced diet. You're can't eat for 24 hours, and it's hard to sneak cookies with God watching.
10. We actually invented the low carb diet. On Passover, we can't eat bread for a whole week. Atkins is a fraud.
-- Lisa Rab & Rebecca Meiser