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Thursday, November 2, 2006

Fulwood Watch: Sammy at the Polls!

Posted By on Thu, Nov 2, 2006 at 3:10 PM

Headline: Scouting Ohio's new voter ID law Date: November 2, 2006 Topic: After a federal judge ruled to uphold Ohio's law requiring absentee voters to present identification, Sam himself decides to test the county's resolve by voting absentee. He marches down to the board of elections, hoping to find poll workers swatting away voters like flies. He sees nothing. But a column's due in three hours, so here's a blow-by-blow of it anyway. Originality: 0/10. The litter box has seen bigger scoops. Difficulty: 2/10. Give him a point for leaving the office, a point for remembering a pencil, and a point for using it to document the horrors he suffered while completing routine paperwork. Then subtract a point for the redundant quotes from the poll worker. Sam Gets Poetic: "For sure, voting in 21st century Ohio is more like playing a game than an exercise in democracy. My 'X' marks the spot for some cartoon-like character who will spend my taxes like it's Monopoly money." The Master Has Spoken: "Every day brings new and confusing rulings on how the state's 88 county election boards ought to handle the ballots." Here Sam pulls off an impressive sleight-of-hand: ditching his obligation to elaborate by hypnotizing readers with those ca-razy eights! What Sam Reveals About Sam: That he really doesn't follow stories. On Wednesday -- the day after the judge's ruling -- the parties agreed to suspend the law. Absentee voters now need provide only Social Security numbers. CliffNotes Version: Maybe I'll go down to my local board of elections and watch something go down. Kinda quiet in here . . . What, you don't want to talk to me? You neither? Don't you know who I am? My, Poll Worker Lady, you got a pleasant face. What's that? You say you want to see my driver's license? Well I'll have you know that down in Cincinnati . . . okay, here it is. Do you have any samwiches?
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