Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Songs of sexual adventure

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 4:05 PM

Big Pat Masalko
We suggest you don't take preschoolers, your cousin the nun, or any card-carrying member of the Christian Coalition to the Blood, Sweat & Beers concert on Dec. 15 at the Barking Spider. The Canton-based duo of Patrick "Big Pat" Masalko and Eric Rine have made it a musical point to write lyrics strictly about sex -- i.e. the kind in which only hardcore fetishists or experimental teens engage. Take their synth-pop ditty, "The Cleveland Steamer," whose title can best be described on the ultra-popular, all-reliable, reader-driven Wikipedia. Trusting that your preschooler, cousin, or best Bible-belt buddy isn't reading this blog, we shall enlighten you on this sex act presumably named after our fair metropolis. If we may be so blunt, a "Cleveland Steamer" involves a man defecating on his partner's chest, then spreading the feces around with his butt. Needless to say, it's music to all misogynists' ears, especially Masalko and Rine's. "Half the people in the audience don't even realize what we're saying," insists Masalko. "They can hear the word jizz in harmony, and they're, like, 'What are they talking about?'' I laugh so much everyday thinking about what we do." You can read more about these "intellectual smuts" (Masalko's words, not ours) in the December 13 issue of Scene. But we'll leave you with this tease: If you plan to go to their 8:30 p.m. show, head straight to Wikipedia and look up "tea-bagging" beforehand. That way, you can sing along when they rev up their guitars for a rousing rendition of "Russell Crowe." Don't ask. You'll find out when you get there. — Cris Glaser
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Club Argos: A new gay sports bar

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 3:58 PM

Like some omen from the heavens, a simple desk calendar can take the credit for naming Cleveland's latest addition to its gay-club scene. Brian Kaufman-Butler opened Club Argos (2032 West 25th St.; 216-781-9191) with an invite-only grand opening on Nov. 16 to show off the $100,000 he dumped into the place to make it an "alternative sports bar." (Translation: It's a club for homos who happen to have far more than the minimum daily adult requirement of testosterone and wanna watch football). The investment resulted in a lodge-like lion's den, complete with 11 TV screens, a fully stocked bar of high-end booze, and a Chippendale-inspired dance troupe, the Argonauts. But our curiosity veered toward the bar's name. Why Argos? Turns out, he bought the place on June 14. The next day, his business partner told him that the caption for the day on his calendar had something to do about the Greek god Odysius and his dog, Argos. Odie — as we now call the good Grecian — went off to fight in the Trojan War and left his pooch behind. Twenty years later, the battle had been fought and won, and Odie returned home. "There was Argos sitting at the door waiting for him faithfully," says Kaufman-Butler, recounting the tale as if he'd just watched the last episode of All My Children. "I am always looking for signs that I'm doing the right thing, and I took it as a sign." Now we're just waiting for a sign that tells us exactly why, being a man and all, Kaufman-Butler's last name is hyphenated. — Cris Glaser
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Around the Corner swap meet

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 3:47 PM

Here's a way to clean out your closets and drink yourself under the table all at the same time. On the first Wednesday of the month, Around the Corner bar in Lakewood hosts a swap meet of clothes and accessories. If you pony up $10 for a display table, you can spread around your hand-me-downs and invite other swappers to pick through them. Meanwhile, you can walk around and take home whatever tickles your fancy. Whatever is left on the tables at the end of the night is donated to Dress for Success, a charity for women in need of business attire for job interviews. The next swap is on December 6 from 7 p.m. But check your hair and make-up beforehand. Rumor has it that the production from ABC's Good Morning America is going to be there. -- Cris Glaser
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Ted Diadiun's suggestion box

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 3:26 PM

Plain Dealer reader rep Ted Diadiun, when he's not busy playing solitaire with a Ted Diadiun-themed deck of cards, frequently sends out e-mail queries to readers, asking for their input on the topics of the day. Recently he asked us to chime in on the hot-button issue of immigration. If we could rewrite the U.S. citizenship test for immigrants, what questions would we ask to better screen the people we are letting into our country. My suggestions for updating the test: Instead of asking, "What are the colors of the U.S. flag?" How about, "What color wire brings the positive charge to a stick of dynamite?" Instead of asking, "Who helped the pilgrims in America?" How about, "Do you know anyone named Osama, Muhammed, or Akbar?" Instead of asking, "What is the White House?" How about, "Do you plan on buying a house, or will you be staying in a cheap motel room while you hatch plans to blow up the nearest train car full of plutonium?" — Jared Klaus
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Concert update

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 1:50 PM

Incubus plays the Agora Saturday night.
Anti-Flag/Alexisonfire/the Explosion: Tue., March 13, 6 p.m., $15. House of Blues. Big Head Todd & the Monsters: Sun., Jan. 28, 6:30 p.m., $16.50. House of Blues. Andrew Bird: Mon., Jan. 15, 8 p.m., $15 ADV/$17 DOS. Beachland Ballroom. Blitzen 2: Adam F/Donald Glaude/Jackal & Hyde/T-1000/IE.Merg/Omar Santana/BBoy3000: Sat., Dec. 16, time and ticket price TBA. Agora Ballroom. Boys From County Hell (Pogues tribute): Sat., Dec. 23, 7 p.m., $10. House of Blues Cambridge Room. Cradle of Filth/69 Eyes: Wed., Jan. 31, 7 p.m., $18.50. House of Blues. Dark Star Orchestra (Grateful Dead tribute): Thu., Feb. 1, 8 p.m., $20. House of Blues. David Garfield, featuring Eric Marienthal: Sat., Dec. 30, 8 p.m., $20. Nighttown. Incubus/Albert Hammond Jr.: Sat., Feb. 3, 8 p.m., $40. Agora Theatre. The Junior Varsity/Socratic/Weatherbox: Tue., Dec. 19, 7 p.m., $8, 21 and over/$11, 20 and under (all ages). Lime Spider. The Legendary Rhythm & Blues Revue: Tommy Castro Band/Magic Dick/Ronnie Baker Brooks/Deanna Bogart: Tue., Jan. 30, 8 p.m., $20. Beachland Ballroom. New Edition: Fri., Feb. 16, 8 p.m., $43.50/$49.50 /$75 (Ticketmaster). Wolstein Center at CSU. Of Montreal: Mon., March 19, 8 p.m., $12. Beachland Ballroom. Jerry Seinfeld: Fri., Feb. 2, 7 p.m., price TBA (Tickets.com). State Theatre, Playhouse Square. Rod Stewart: Return to Rock & Roll Tour. Fri., March 2, 8 p.m., $55/$97 (Ticketmaster). Quicken Loans Arena. Tequila Sunrise (Eagles tribute): Sat., Dec. 23, 7:30 p.m., $13.50. House of Blues. Pat Travers (solo acoustic): Wed., Dec. 13, 9 p.m., $12 ADV/$15 DOS. The Winchester. Vast: Wed., March 7, 7:30 p.m. Agora Ballroom. The Waiting Room (Genesis and Peter Gabriel tribute): Thu., Dec. 28, 7 p.m., $10. House of Blues. -- DX Ferris
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Obey the Hair

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 1:40 PM

Captain Hairdo Mel Kiper, draft analyst for ESPN, had Tony Romo going in the 5th round to the Browns. You know how that turned out.
Just as I prepared to click off the TV this morning, the cheery hosts of Cold Pizza, including the quasi-hot Dana Jacobsen, hooked me with a tease about Tony Romo and the 2003 NFL Draft. Romo has been all the rage since replacing Drew Bledsoe at quarterback and rescuing the Dallas Cowboys from an inevitable Bill Parcells shooting spree. The Cold Pizza folks wanted to look back to 2003, when Romo, who starred at powerful Eastern Michigan, was passed over by every NFL team through all seven rounds of the draft. So they enlisted The Hair�, also known as Mel Kiper Jr., ESPN's draft analyst. Kiper reported what now seems depressingly inevitable: that he had projected Romo to be drafted in the fifth round by — say it with me — your Cleveland Browns. But alas, the Browns went a different direction, drafting cornerback Michael Lehan in the fifth. Lehan — like six of the seven players drafted by the Browns that faithful year — is no longer in Cleveland. Meanwhile, Romo is busy outplaying Payton Manning, being compared to Tom Brady, and being linked, as they say in Hollywood, to Jessica Simpson. If only they would've listened to Mel. -- Joe P. Tone
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Sherwin-Williams protesters take on The Q

Posted By on Wed, Nov 29, 2006 at 1:37 PM

If you were headed for The Q last night, it might have been wise to stay clear of the Sherwin-Williams suite. ACORN was outside protesting the company's refusal to spring for the removal of lead paint from older homes in Cleveland, many of which house low-income families. "They sold it knowing it was poisonous, particularly to children," says ACORN's Kris Harsh. Earlier this year a Rhode Island jury found the company liable for creating a "public nuisance" by poisoning thousands of kids with its lead-based paint ["The Poison Kids," August 16]. It was ordered, along with two other companies, to pay for a clean-up that could cost more than $3 billion. The cities of East Cleveland, Toledo and Akron each followed with lawsuits. ACORN didn't pick The Q just because they'd find twenty thousand people who like to yell. James C. Boland, a Cavaliers vice president, sits on Sherwin-Williams' board of directors. Harsh wants fans to sign a petition requesting Boland push company management to protect those children whose families can't afford the expensive process of lead abatement. Harsh says lead poisoning affects 2,000 children a year in Cuyahoga County alone, their symptoms ranging from attention-deficit disorder and hyperactivity to vomiting, seizures and hair loss. "What if LeBron James had been poisoned by lead paint as a child?" says Julie Smith, another ACORNer. "Would he be the great king of the court he is now?" Says Harsh: "He probably wouldn't be able to remember the playbook." Thursday the group will protest at the company's headquarters on Prospect Avenue and at Sherwin-Williams stores across the United States and in Canada, Mexico, Peru and Argentina. "We're not asking them to pay the medical bills for every kid that's been lead-poisoned," says Harsh. "But when you're the most profitable paint company on the planet, we think you have a responsibility to help clean up some of the hazards created from your product. They could meet all of our demands and it wouldn't even dent their profits." Last night's promotion, ironically? Drew Gooden Bald Head Night. — Jason Nedley
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