Friday, December 15, 2006

Sammy Backpedals on Bold Tops Declaration

Posted By on Fri, Dec 15, 2006 at 4:16 PM

We Read Sam So You Don't Have To: This week, The Trey Once Again Discovers that Printing His Email is Way Easier than Writing! Headline: Column was Tops in complaints Date: December 14, 2006 Topic: After briefly considering writing a real column (okay, so it was on Dennis Kucinich's presidential bid, but that's kinda real, isn't it?), Sam checks his email and finds that his incompetence has once again yielded enough angry emails to scrape together a follow-up, this time on readers' hatred of Tops. Originality: 0/10. If we had a dime we had every time we had to read Sam's inbox, we'd take all our dimes to Hertz, rent a nice little Ford Focus, and drive it off the Detroit-Superior Bridge. Difficulty: 2/10. We'll give Sam one-fifth of a difficulty point for every keyboard command used, since we know those tucker the old guy out. There are five emails copied and pasted from Sam's inbox to his word processing application. So, let's breakdown the math:
(1/5 point) x (five Ctrl-Cs) = one full difficulty point. + (1/5 point) x (five Ctrl-Vs) = one full difficulty point. = two difficulty points.
Sam Gets Poetic: Trying to prove he's up on all the latest journalism trends, Sam busts out a little "citizen journalism" this week, delegating the poetry to readers like Rice Hershey from Cleveland Heights. "Don't you j'accuse on stodgy old Cleveland for the disappearance of Tops," Hershey writes. "Cheer us instead for not putting up with their customer indifference, rudeness ... lack of employee training." This is where Sam gets credit: Though he can't write, his readers can. Come to think of it, does anyone know if Rice Hershey is free on Tuesdays and Thursdays? The Master Has Spoken: "After all, we must eat," Sam writes. "Everyone — whether you cheer or curse Dennis' presidential ambitions — shops at a food store." Holy shit! You mean to tell us that everyone needs food? This is what C-Notes calls dropping some serious knowledge. What Sam Reveals About Sam: His incompetence is matched only by his brazenness. "Irate readers made me understand how much of a boo-boo I made by lamenting the departure of Tops," Sam writes. "Well, excuse me. How would I know that was a hot button?" Translation: "What the hell do you want me to do? Talk to people before I write the column?" CliffsNotes Version: What's that, Cheryl? Dennis Kucinich is running for president? Where'd you read that? The Plain Dealer? Huh. Is that a credible paper? I might be able to squeeze a real column out of that little nugget. In fact — yes! I'm going to write a real column today! Let's see those dicks at Fulwood Watch try to — Ding. You've got mail! Ooh! Email! Maybe it's HR responding to my vacation request. Why we have to fill out paperwork for a lousy six-month sabbatical is beyond me, but if that's what it takes to appease the powers that be ... Shit. Who the hell is Rice Hershey? Unless he's from HR ... wait-a-second! This guy can write! And this has to be, like, the fourth email I've got about that shitty Tops column Cheryl wrote on Tuesday. One more email and I might be able to — Ding. You've got mail! Hey, Cheryl! How do I do that copy-and-paste thing again?!

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