Fulwood Watch: We Read America's Worst Columnist So You Don't Have To
Headline: Injecting humor into Clevelanders
January 4, 2007
Smarting from last month's botched attempt to explain humor
, Sam challenged Cleveland to prove it knows funny better than he does. After returning from vacation on Monday, he cuts and pastes 14 reader e-mails, types thirty-eight quotation marks, then files his column two hours late, calling it day. Editors decide to give him more time to come up with an original thought. This is not what Vegas would call a lock play. So the Prince of Tight-Asses decides to tell his audience that Cleveland can't take a joke. It's like listening to a lecture on hip-hop from your eighth-grade science teacher.
-20/10. Sam strips irrelevance to the bone, stretching this rotten tragedy to its third act in an attempt to prove that he is funny, and you are not.
3/10. Sammy once again gets zero points for work ethic, but the judges generously grant him a 3-point bonus ambitious self-delusion. Following publication Tuesday morning, crops begin to wilt. Livestock becomes sterile. Scientists estimate that one more column on Sam's superior sense of humor will collapse the ozone layer. May God have mercy on our souls.
Sam Gets Poetic:
"But I keep making fun of the city, despite the angry callers in the middle of the night, because it's all about love. I feel an obligation to lighten the self-obsessed burden Clevelanders wear like ugly down-filled parkas to ward off winter's brutal chill." Translation: Because of your rejection, I often cry myself to sleep while listening to show tunes. But I am Fulwood! Hear me roar! So I will pretend that it doesn't bother me, and instead cover my attempt at revenge under a thin veneer of loving chiding. Yeah, it's all about the love, assholes.
The Master Has Spoken:
"For all the gnashing of teeth over American Greetings' casting Cleveland in a negative light, the punchlines that readers sent me were — believe it or not — as brutal as the company's holiday card. That confirms my opinion of Clevelanders as a humorless lot." Can somebody change this guy's diaper?
What Sam Reveals About Sam:
That he's getting closer every day to the minor leagues, where he'll be assigned to cover Unique And/Or Unusually Large Backyard Garden Vegetable stories in North Olmsted.
Two weeks off and boy is my ass sore! Happy New Year, inbox! Cut, paste. Cut, paste. Cut, paste. Quote. Quote. Quote. Send! Sam-ilicious! (Pounds chest.) Nobody's funny in Cleveland but meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!