We Read Sam So You Don't Have To
Headline: Newfound brother asks, "Who am I?"
March 6, 2007
Sam marvels at the cunning and ingenious research techniques of Anita Poindexter, who was trying to track down her biological brother. The techniques, all foreign to Sam, include searching the Internet, using the telephone, and knocking on doors.
0/10. The Metro Columnist Discovers The Magic of the Internet: Here's a topic that was fresh in 1996, stale in 2002, moldy in 2004. In 2007, it's just making people sick.
2/10. Looks like Sam had to pick up the phone for this one. Our research shows he hasn't done this since he ordered Chinese food back in December. Memo to HR: be on the look out for that overtime request.
Sam Gets Poetic:
"She zapped a blizzard of e-mails, dialed blind phone calls and knocked on doors to every likely Williams household she found on the Internet or in the phone book." This girl's got hustle! I wonder if the bosses would let me have two interns?
The Master Has Spoken:
After Anita heard from her brother, "She screamed and cried and thanked God for his call," sort of like how way Sam screamed and cried when Anita hand-delivered him a two-part column.
What Sam Reveals About Sam:
We always thought Sam would be utterly useless if readers and colleagues didn't spoon-feed him material. Turns out, we were wrong. He's useless either way: "Anita even wrote me. I intended to tell her I couldn't help," he writes, because how would a newspaperman know how to do research? He goes on: "But I forgot to make the call and tossed her handwritten letter in the trash."
I can't believe I threw that note out! That was a tailor made column. Hell, she practically wrote it for me. Hey, maybe ...
[Sam picks up phone, dials intern Cheryl
]: Hey Cheryl, you know that dumpster out back? You think you could rummage through that for a note I threw out? It's really, really important. And while you're in there, see if there's any Domino's coupons. Sammy F is starving. [Hangs up]
[Sam, clutching the crumpled note
]: Yes! This is tailor made. Just look at all this research she did. Phone calls. Internet. This woman should be a reporter. Anyway, column: blah, blah, blah, heartwarming tale, perseverance, sibling bond, blah, blah, blah. File to copy.
Now where the hell are those Dominos coupons? Do I have to do everything around here?