We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To...
Headline: A wake-up shout for a troubled city
March 29, 2007
As reported two days earlier by City Hall reporter Susan Vinella, Sam writes that black members of Cleveland's City Council are tired of being blamed for everything. He then rattles off all of Cleveland's problems, because nothing fills up 500 words faster.
2/10. Shockingly, this was entirely new ground for Sam. A review of previous Fulwood Watch entries reveals that he's never before ripped off Susan Vinella. He's branching out, people!
5/10. Sam painfully recreates Councilwoman Sabra Scott Pierce's outburst at Monday's meeting, giving the distinct impression that he had left his house to attend the meeting. Fulwood Watch
was about to draft a press release to announce this groundbreaking discovery — "Local metro columnist leaves house for something other than Stuffed Crust Pizza�" — but then a real reporter pointed out that the meetings are televised. Still, when measured in Standard Fulwood Energy Units, changing the channel from How I Met Your Mother
is akin to a regular reporter infiltrating a Baghdad prison. Five points to Sammy!
Sam Gets Poetic:
"The normally reserved Cleveland city councilwoman suddenly pushed back from the table and stood up to maker herself larger. Her eyes blazed. Her fingers waggled in the air. Her voice trembled with rage. ... Suddenly, that handsome blond fellow who used to play Doogie Howser entered the bar, hit on a pretty white woman, and had a drink thrown in his face. The studio audience roared. Wait? Did I change it back to How I Met Your Mother
again? Damn it!"
The Master Has Spoken:
"You can hear it, too, if you care enough to listen to what so many of those living in Cleveland's black communities are saying." Really. You can. Just go to Tower City or something. Sam, for one, will be in Shaker Heights where it's safe.
What Sam Reveals About Sam:
Somebody taught him how to dial out.
Hmm. Interesting. Says here that the black folks on the city council are all upset about something. Too bad this newspaper doesn't have a black columnist to rip off this girl's reporting and eek out a shitty column interpreting these angry black people for all the ignorant honkies out there. Wonder why that Phil Morris isn't on this one?
Wait a second! Aren't I ... [Running to mirror
] ... I am! I'm black! And aren't I ... [Googling himself
] ... I am! I'm a columnist! A black columnist!
But wait. I can't just copy and paste this woman's story into a column. Last time I did that the bosses liked it so much they tried to give me a raise. I don't need that kind of pressure.
What if I just ... [Googling "everything that sucks about Cleveland
"] ... yes! That's it! I can just paste everything that's wrong with Cleveland into a column, sprinkle in some quotes from the councilwoman, add a dash of excessive adjectives, and Voila!
A ready-made column!
No wonder that Morris kid is still writing for Opinion. He's got no hustle, I swear.