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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sammy searches for a metaphor in the snow

Posted By on Tue, Apr 10, 2007 at 3:18 PM

We Read America's Worst Columnist, Sam Fulwood III, So You Don't Have To Headline: Snow uncovers regional needs Date: April 10, 2007 Topic: After his 1,328th column on regionalism last week, you probably figured Sammy would return to his roots — perhaps a heart-warming tale of an NBA player who wears shoes from Value City. But just to keep things interesting, Sammy decided to switch it up on us . . . by writing yet another article about regionalism. Originality: 0/10. The April snowstorm might have gone unpredicted. But the fact that Sammy would be the first to jump on it as the peg for another crappy column was as sure as the sunrise. Difficulty: 2/10. Sammy conducts an "informal survey" of mayors from around the county. Sample size: two. Both say the storm caught their service departments off guard, and that regional cooperation could have helped. Conclusion: 100 percent of mayors surveyed support regionalism. Margin of error: about 98 percent, a two-percent improvement over Sammy's average. Sam Gets Poetic: "After all, the springtime snow didn't stop at any one city's border. It buried us all." Translation: I can't put the top down on my Mustang, and the delivery guy from Papa John's says he can't get out of his driveway. This snow is unseasonably bogus!" The Master Has Spoken: "That final blast (hopefully) of winter serves as an ominous reminder that Greater Cleveland must unite against shared challenges." Translation: But if Old Man Winter should come howling again, look for my next column: "Snow: It couldn't stop (Insert name of troubled hoodlum turned youth mentor here) from fulfilling his dream." What Sam Reveals About Sam: He spends a lot of time staring out the window, waiting for a higher power to write his column for him. Once in a while, it actually works. CliffsNotes Version: Sam: "Snow, snow, snow. Think, Cheryl, think! How can I use the snow in my column for tomorrow?" Cheryl: "Gee, I don't know, Sam. I mean, it's just snow. Why don't you look in the newspaper for some ideas?" Sam: "Goddamnit, Cheryl! I refuse to read this piece of garbage. I mean, look at this clown they put on the front page." Cheryl: "Sam, that's you." Sam: "Oh. So how about that snow? Wake me up when you've got it. Snoooorrreeeeee."
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