C-Notes is pleased to report — and yet somehow deeply saddened — that Sam Fulwood III
, The Laziest Man in Journalism� and the newspaper industry's career leader in irrelevance, has been stripped of his duties as a Plain Dealer Metro columnist. Folks at The PD say Fulwood will stay with the paper but will no longer occupy his prime B-1 real estate.
The buzz in the newsroom is that Sam was about to go on a shooting spree after hearing the news -- until he realized it interfered with his afternoon nap. The other buzz is that Op-Ed columnist Phil Morris
will move to the high-profile Metro spot, writing about stuff on the days Regina Brett can't find any drunk-drivers to nail. Morris wouldn't say whether that was true, but his email smelled like champagne and money, so I'm pretty sure it is.
As for Sam, it's unclear what he'll do next. Shockingly, after all we've done for them, neither Sam nor PD Editor Doug Clifton immediately returned my calls or emails.
If Sam is given the freedom to choose his next gig, expect a three-part series on his new stain-resistant khakis, penned by Legacy Village Bureau Chief Sam Fulwood III. If the paper picks his next job, expect to see Fulwood driving around in a topaz Elantra, weakly tossing papers toward your porch before taking a six-week leave for his bursitis.
Even more uncertain is the future of Fulwood Watch
. For months, C-Notes' has chronicled the adventures of Sam and his trusted intern, Cheryl. The feature is apparently a fan favorite in The PD newsroom. I'm sure Sam saved every edition for his scrapbook.
Scene executives are planned high-level meetings to discuss the feature's future. They also have commissioned a focus group in order to gather valuable community input. His name is Tim. He's a roofer, and he drinks tequila with a straw. — Joe P. Tone