Greetings, fair readers. It is I, Ted Diadiun. You may know me as the Ombudsman (“Bud” to members of the female species) for The Plain Dealer
. But now it is with great pleasure that I come to patronize and humiliate you, readers of Scene
, so that you may know the errors of your criticism.
I received dozens of e-mails about this week’s Savage Love, “Tickled Pink,” in which sex columnist Dan Savage advises a 17-year-old boy not to engage in sexual intercourse (or, if you prefer the nomenclature, coitus) with his father’s young wife, despite a secretly shared fondess for tickling each other.
The comments were all over the board on this one. Sarah from Garfield Heights commended Savage for counseling the young man to put his relationship with his father above his raw sexual urges. Jim from Rocky River, on the other hand, said he thought a horrible mistake was being made. “Listen Ted,” Jim wrote. “When I was 17 I always wanted to pork my hot stepmom, but I choked. Don’t let this kid make the same mistake I did. This chick wants it. Put it in her back door.”
Before responding to these letters, I must disclose my own personal biases, in order to stay fair and balanced. Ted Diadiun finds tickling to be a juvenile and pedestrian form of stimulation. Having gotten that out of the way, I believe sexual intercourse (i.e., penetration of the vaginal area) should be restricted to individuals at least 18 years of age, unless of course we are speaking of arranged marriages between boys and girls of the Tutsi tribe in eastern Botswana. Since I don’t believe this applies to the scenario at hand, I would recommend, irrespective of any ethical issues arising from the paternal relationship, that the boy limit his activities to deep kissing and/or heavy petting outside the shirt. For information on other options, please refer to The Rules of Dating
, 1956 Edition.
As for “putting it in her back door,” Ted Diadiun must admit that I am unfamiliar with the vernacular you speak of, Jim from Rocky River. But, as a general rule, Ted Diadiun finds no problem in people entering through his back door, as long as they remove their footwear so as not to smudge Ted Diadiun’s spotless Berber carpet.