SportsTime Ohio, the Tribe’s TV network, announced today that it will conduct a free, week-long exam to determine just how big of a loser I am.
The exam will take the form of a Brady Quinn Marathon. Starting tonight, the station will air all of Notre Dame University’s 2006 football games, allowing fans to break down the growth of Quinn’s pretty hair
game by game. Tomorrow night is Notre Dame-Penn State, featuring Quinn vs. 230-year-old Joe Paterno. On Wednesday, the Irish will re-take on UCLA. Friday night’s telecast will apparently feature Notre Dame and something called Purdue, which I believe is a poultry processer that apparently has a football team. (Click here
for full lineup.)
By determining just how much already-televised college football games I can watch involving teams to which I have no allegiance, the marathon is expected to measure the extent of my loserness.
If I watch less than three hours total, experts believe I still might be able to get a date sometime before my 40th birthday, if I’m willing to pay.
Three to six hours of Brady Quinn Madness means I really should move back into Mom’s attic.
If I watch more than two full games, it is believed that I will spend the rest of eternity in my nephew’s Legend of Zelda game, shining Link’s boots.
Although the threshold for loserdom is different for every viewer, you too can determine how long it will be until you get laid again by tuning into the Brady Quinn Marathon! Good luck, and go Irish! – Joe P. Tone