“Mr. Trainer, the needle goes right here. In the butt-ocks.”
Some news to turn your shorts Brown and Orange: Ryan Tucker
will sit the first four games of the regular season for violating the NFL’s steroid policy
. He’ll be allowed to practice and play in the preseason, but won’t suit up for a game that means anything until the Browns visit New England on October 7.
Tucker missed the last eight games of 2006 with a mysterious “mental disorder,” which we know now was depression, caused by the site of his shrinking nads. With this four-game extension, Tucker’s streak shoots to a straight-up dozen. But don’t get too excited – this is Cleveland, after all, Mecca for high-priced bench warmers. Tucker will remain well short of LeCharles “Day One” Bentley (full season and counting) and Kellen "Rice Rocket" Winslow’s all-time, unbeatable record of thirty games.
And besides, our September’s a breeze – just home games against AFC North rivals Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and Baltimore. The only mystery now is: who’s going to be coaching this team come October? – Jason Nedley