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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Dateline Euclid: Revealing Study Proves Cops Prefer Hot Chicks

Posted By on Tue, Nov 6, 2007 at 3:00 PM

A loyal reader told us of a troubling experience that confirms what we’ve always suspected: If you want to get away with shitfaced driving in Cleveland, wear your hot-chick disguise. This particular reader was out partying at Cleveland Heights’ Lopez — home of margaritas strong enough to kill a goat — the night of her friend’s 24th birthday, and accidentally found herself hammered. When it was time to leave, she arranged to sleep on the couch at a sober friend’s nearby house, and gave the friend her car keys. In the middle of the night, our reader awoke on the couch with a craving for that Beast of the Fast Food World: The Baconator. It’s an artery-attacking felony of a burger that consists of two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, and six strips of bacon piled in patriotic fashion between buns. And naturally appeals to drunk or fat people. Luckily for our reader, she’s not the latter, or she may have ended up in the slam that night. “I find my keys in my friend’s jacket,” she says, “get in my car and head to a Wendy’s near my house. The next thing I know, I’m parked on the side of a highway half-asleep, with a truck driver at my window asking me if I’m okay.” Our reader garbled something unintelligible and slammed her foot on the gas pedal, now hungrier than ever. When she finally pulled up to Wendy’s, near her home in Euclid, the drive-thru employee looked at her incredulously. “Who is this retardedly drunk chick trying to order a Baconator from the drive-thru?” our reader guesses the employee was thinking. Having studied the “Retardedly Drunk Customers” section of the Wendy’s employee handbook, the drive-thru girl knew just how to handle this situation. She handed over the Baconator, then called the cops as our drunk reader careened away. Within minutes, Euclid cops had pulled our hero over just a few blocks from her house. As they approached her window, the three cops were blasted by the twin scents of tequila and bacon, and encountered a woman who could barely speak and couldn’t produce a license. To the trained law enforcement mind, there was only conclusion: This hot chick was driving drunk. They ordered her out of the car, to which she responded, “Can I keep my Baconator?” The cops had themselves a giggle. After all, who can stay angry at such an adorable drunk chick? They helped her out of her car, parked it for her, handed her the keys, and told her to be careful out there. The next morning, our reader awoke in bed with a Baconator — minus two bites. She walked to where the cops had parked her car and drove it back home. Then she reflected on the valuable lesson she had learned: Never lose your looks. She had heard what happens to your average drunk driver. As for that Wendy’s employee, she learned a lesson that most Clevelanders already know. If you need law enforcement, don’t call the police. Call Carl Monday. -- Gus Garcia-Roberts

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