Degenerate Gamblers’ Wire Service Report
Cleveland, OHIO -- Stingy first-half defense and a late-game surge by Jamal Lewis led the Cleveland Browns to a 24-18 win over the New York Jets on Sunday, helping the Browns keep pace in the all-important quest to be the Team That Rarely Fucks Guys Named Bruno Out of Large Sums of Money.
The six-point win moved the Browns to 10-3 against the spread, tying them with the New England Patriots for the best record in the AFC, according to World Features Syndicates, which publishes such really useful lists. The Green Bay Packers (10-2-1) lead the NFC. With their blow-out loss to the Colts on Sunday Night Football, the Baltimore Ravens fell to a league-worst 2-11 against the spread, an apparent reaction from God, who, according to sources, has Todd Heap on his fantasy team.
The Browns, meanwhile, continue to surprise Vegas odds-makers by sucking way less than expected. And yesterday, while much of the team played as if they were sitting on a Cowboys-Jets parlay, Jamal Lewis’ fourth-quarter touchdown ensured that his team covered and saved Christmas for kids across the country.
“Yeah, little Johnny was fucked if the Browns don’t cover that minus-three,” said one gambler, who asked not to be named because, technically speaking, he doesn’t exist. “I took the Raiders and the points, too, and there’s no way I could afford no Guitar Hero or whatever if I dropped both those freakin’ games, y’know? The tricky thing is, I already got it wrapped and under the tree and everything. That woulda taken some maneuvering.”
To keep pace with the league’s elite, Cleveland (-5.5) will have to outscore the surging Buffalo Bills this weekend at Browns Stadium. The Packers (-10.5) visit St. Louis, while the Patriots (-434.5) host the Jets.