As the presidential primaries heat up, you, the undecided voter, are probably asking yourself the only question that really needs asking before casting your ballot: Who would Jesus vote for?
To help you along, Miami New Times, our sister paper in the tropics, has created a patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)® to reveal which candidate is closest to God. (A maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.)
Jesus and Chuck Norris were at the gym, and they both agree: Huckabee's in the lead.
Yes! Something about this lady reminds Jesus of his immaculate mother. They have the same eyes … or maybe it’s the nose. When she teared up in New Hampshire, Jesus did too. They both employ the same campaign managers, and are believed to have gotten a volume discount on that piece of advice. Hillary: 4 1/2 crosses
Jesus heard on Fox News that he's probably Muslim. Jesus doesn't like Muslims because they think Allah is cooler than Jesus. Obama: 2 crosses
This guy is too pretty for Jesus. Sometimes when he talks, Jesus finds himself thinking about what a handsome man he is. And that makes Jesus feel weird in that I-think-I'm-gonna-buy-a-man purse kinda way. Jesus has also heard this clown wants to pull out of Iraq. Jesus is not a puller-outer. Read the Bible. Jesus and his dad have warred with the Devil for like … forever. Imagine if they just decided to pull out of Earth. Imagine. Edwards: 1 cross
God made Adam and Eve. He didn't make Elf and Eve. And a Department of Peace? Jesus isn't into peace. Read the Old Testament, pal. Kucinich: 1/2 cross
Jesus gives him bonus points for 9-11, then takes away those points for divorcing his wife on TV. The guy's been married so many times he's practically Mormon. Jesus thinks Mormans are kinda creepy, he just isn't sure why. Giuliani: 1 cross
Jesus would never vote for this guy. But he'd totally like to party with him, since Paul's crazy in a fun-uncle kind of way. Maybe they’ll get together sometime soon and put up that giant fence to keep all the Mexicans out. Jesus doesn't like people who refuse to learn English, like the Bible commands. Paul: 2 crosses
Jesus knows this will sound controversial, but He thinks all those years in a Vietnamese POW camp made McCain soft. Who has a problem with torturing terrorists? Jesus didn’t do anything to stop his own torture; why would he give a shit about anyone else's? McCain: 1 cross
Jesus loves his hair and his total willingness to torture the living shit out of anyone who messes with America. But Jesus has heard some very unsettling things about Romney’s stances on gay marriage, abortion, and trying to take people’s guns away. Those are big Jesus no-nos. So Jesus is going to have to consult with the Mormon Jesus on this one. But Jesus doesn't particularly respect the Mormon Jesus, because he makes all his chicks wear those Little House on the Prairie dresses. That's some seriously bad fashion, says Jesus. Romney: Rating deferred to Mormon Jesus
Jesus first heard about Huckabee through the big red telephone that connects him directly to Chuck Norris’ ranch. Jesus’ endorsement is like, two steps below a Norris endorsement, but they pretty much agree on everything. Huckabee is a felon-pardoning pastor who knows his way around a guitar. Jesus wants him to play bass in his Sheryl Crow tribute band. Huckabee: 5 crosses
-- Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan