We read Kevin O'Brien so you don't have to ...
Column: Forget clear, dispassionate thought; it's a panic party, and you're invited
January 23, 2008
All the TV guys and the money elite are freaking out about the fall in the stock market. Silly little people, thinks Kevin.
Kevin's Sanity Level Today:
What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself:
After two weeks of relative sanity, Kevin goes nuts again. Imagine yourself standing outside, trying to sneak a smoke, and a homeless guy corners you to talk about Jesus and space people. He’s too nice to tell him to get lost. But you really wish you didn’t smoke…
Charting Kevin's Logic:
1. Apparently media geeks and market mavens are freaked out by the stock market decline. But Kevin’s one of those trickle-down guys, certain that the financial markets will always correct themselves, just as he certain there’s no such thing as global warming. That’s obvious, guys! Look how cold it is today!
2. What Kevin doesn’t understand is that, outside the rarified air of Republican Policy Wonkdom, the peasants of Cleveland aren’t really worried about the stock market. It goes up. It goes down. People like Kevin will be yapping either way, but most Clevelanders could care less because…
3. We’re already fucked, and we’ve known it for years. If you’re lucky enough to have a good job, you’re never sure it will last. And any raise will always be consumed – and then some – by soaring health care costs. Since consumers compose 70 percent of the U.S. economy – and they’re getting broker by the year – one might be inclined to believe we have more endemic problems.
4. But Kevin thinks it’s all foolish, which allows him to bust out a bit of O’Brienian humor, sure to have them falling from their chairs at the Strongsville Republican caucus:
“We've got the other foreclosure crisis - the one in which China forecloses on the United States' debt and we wake up one morning with a Politburo instead of a Congress. (We would notice the difference immediately: The leadership wouldn't change, but things suddenly would get done. If Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi had tanks and arrest powers, even the people in Congress would actually have to take them seriously.)”
5. Okay, so we don’t know what the hell he’s talking about either. But whenever he mentions Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, henchmen the devil, you know it must be funny. He goes on to talk about nukes, global warming and Iran. That’s when readers across Greater Cleveland suffered aneurysms. It was a busy day for ambulance workers.
6. Final conclusion: Stop worrying, silly people. The only thing to fear is fear itself – and possibly Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.