Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Dear LeBron: Look out for the Weirdos!

Posted By on Wed, Jan 30, 2008 at 10:32 AM

This blog is best read while listening to Portland's own, the Decemberists:

Dear LeBron, C-notes would like to wish you the very best in tonight’s outing against the Portland Blazers. But please be careful. Portland is a sneaky place. The men in this idyllic outpost of socialism dress like women. And the women dress like men. Actually, it is impossible to tell if Portlanders are men or women. Both sexes wear the same asymmetrical haircut in this town. Both sexes swoon equally for Tegan and Sarah and Rufus Wainwright. And both sexes have sex with both sexes. There is no gay or straight in Portland. Just queer. Don't let that get you off your game. ...

lebronnailssquare.jpg
LeBron: Is that jersey made from renewable fabrics?
Also, if you notice navy-colored spandex on the inhabitants, do not be alarmed. They’re just jeans. Really tight jeans. And they're on the legs of sickly little vegans who spend their days pulling shots of espresso for other sickly vegans who waste away their lives arguing about the validity of bicycle helmets on bikeportland.org. Their goal is to remain in their early twenties well into their thirties and forties. They also trade in hazelnuts. There is no currency in this place, only hazelnuts. Sometimes the locals refer to them as filberts, if they are feeling effete or self-righteous, which they usually are, because they are from Portland, the world’s leading producer of liberal arts students. Sixty-seven percent of Portlanders are Oberlin graduates, LeBron. The rest attended the Evergreen State College. All of them read Dave Eggers. Nightly.
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If Brandon Roy were a real Portlander, he'd ride a bike to the arena on game days.
LeBron, in this weird city, the thermal combustion engine never made it. So don't try to initiate small talk with Brandon Roy over what sort of Cadillac he prefers. He won't understand. Or if he does, it will make him sad. Despite his Rookie of the Year award, Roy is forced to make his way by metropolitan light rail or aerial tram. Don't know what those are? It's okay. At some point, every Portlander has penned at least one doctoral thesis on the subject. And they will be happy to talk about it as they bag your organic, free-range groceries at New Season's market. These people are kooky, LeBron. They invented the hacky sack and made waffle soles famous. Their biggest landmark is building full of used books. It's the size of a city block, but the sports writing section only gets a single row. There aren’t many books on hacky sack, I guess. Meanwhile, dragon fantasies and space epics by Robert A. Heilein get their own room. Anyway, LeBron, good luck, and God's speed. And please don't come home a vegan. -- Bradley Campbell

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