Today's topic: Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez caught on film at a cockfight …
I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: These athletes today don’t know what real animal cruelty is.
Why back in my day, Bob Feller used to bring cages of starved rats on road trips. If things got boring during a rain delay, he’d put them in the rookie’s locker. When rook opened it up, it’d be like opening the gates of hell. Oh boy, those bloody rats would attack his face and chest like a German hobo with a sloppy joe. The team tailor hated Bob for that, I tell you. ...
And another thing: Back in my day, reporters weren’t always pestering the ballplayers about it, damnit. It was common knowledge that Jim Brown was using gerbils as golf balls on the driving range. Titleists are pricey, and besides, Jimbo liked the
squeemph the little vermin made. And every sportswriter at the
Dealer knew that Otto Graham was running a lucrative throw-rodents-into-a-tub-full-of-eels operation. You think they snitched to the readers about it? Hell no. They wagered on it. Heck, I practically put myself through St. Fergus Academy for Young Columnists on my winnings. My secret: always bet on the eels -- unless they tossed a ferret in with'em. Then you double down.
And back in my day, federal agents had bigger problems to worry about then a few lifeless cocks. There were real threats to America back then, like bootleggers and Jews playing baseball and …
This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...
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