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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Feagler: The presidential debates are for fairies

Posted By on Wed, Feb 27, 2008 at 5:04 AM

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Today's topic: Dick thinks debates are for fairies… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: These presidential debates are light in the loafers. Why, back in my day, if two guys were shooting for the same job, we wouldn’t yap about it on TV. We’d take it out to the parking lot and sock each other in the snot locker. Sometimes, if it was a really good job like foreman, we’d use sticks or rakes. I got my job at The Plain Dealer by stabbing another fellow with a trident. It’s kind of like a giant fork, only it doesn’t work too well for eating, because the prongs are too far apart and your potatoes always fall off… And back in my day, we didn’t have Tim Russert to come to town to ask us questions about NAFTA while we were busy duking it. In my day, we had real newsmen, like Walter Cronkite, not the kind that wear hairspray like they have today. Back in my day, if Russert showed up in Cleveland, we’d take him down to Higbees and make him shop for ladies undergarments. And back in my day, we had real underwear, not like this underwear they have today. Why, guys like me wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a thong, unless you want your buddies at the club to think you were a rump ranger. In my day, we wore wife beaters and white boxers so people wouldn’t think we were harlots. They were made by decent Americans, not like this sicko Chinese underwear they have today. Why, back in my day, we didn’t even have Chinese. We had Chinks and we made fun of how they talked. If you hurt your back at the plant, maybe we’d buy some opium from them. But mostly we just hit ‘em with rocks and told ‘em to go back to Japan where they came from. And back in my day, they let us blow up Japan if we wanted to. Why, we’d gather up the boys on a ship, and just go over there and start shooting people. But if you had bad eyes or a bum foot, you had to stay home and only think about shooting ‘em, which wasn’t as much fun... This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...
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