Wednesday, March 12, 2008

O'Brien Factor: Kevin wonders, If Global Warming's real, why did I spend the weekend shoveling?

Posted By on Wed, Mar 12, 2008 at 4:35 PM

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We read Kevin O'Brien so you don't have to. Column: For global warming worry-warts, an inconvenient cold spell Topic: O’Brien’s old standard: if global warming is real, why is my windshield iced over? Kevin's Sanity Level Today: 19 percent What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself: You’ve strayed into Apache territory, and they’ve buried you to your neck in sand, coating your cranium in honey to attract hordes of bees, ants, and flies. Vultures are pecking your ears. And your nose itches. Charting Kevin's Logic: ... 1. Southern Baptist leaders just acknowledged that Al Gore—or as Kevin knows him, “Brother Al Gore & His Oscar-Winning Nobel Laureate Traveling Climate Show and Relevancy Revival”—may have been onto something after all with that whole global warming thing. Kevin, on the other hand, is not so naive. 2. Bad timing, preachers. It’s snowing in Cleveland. Kevin’s wearing mittens this week, and as if that wasn’t enough proof, he’s brought a statistic to work today: this January, the Earth’s average temperature was down 1.35 degrees from last year’s January. 3. Kevin knows that he’s not allowed to use one month to disprove climate change, although that’s not really fair, since all those global warming prophets “use such anecdotal evidence to further their arguments.” Never mind that he just offered 30 years of global warming in making his own point in the previous paragraph. No really, never mind it, because if you let that bother you the next point will boil your vital organs into pudding. 4. It wasn’t just one cold month, Kevin points out: It was the beginning of another cold year. Even though that beginning was only one month. Now ready yourself, because Kevin’s about to list some places that were cold last year. 5. North America sure was chilly. Also, Siberia, Mongolia, China, Greece, Baghdad, and Greenland. Notice Kevin’s not breaking out The Whole World Was Cold Stat that he used for January ’08. That’s not because such a stat doesn’t exist for ’07; how could you be so cynical? It’s because Kevin has a very strict one-stat-per-column policy. It’s the key to his success. 6. Kevin likes the theory by a Russian scientist that the sun is responsible for recent climate change. How do we know? Because Kevin says, “I like it. I’d like to think the sun has more influence on the Earth’s climate than Chinese factories and muffler-dragging Chevys.” And what better to assuage a columnist’s guilt than a scientist named Oleg Sorokhtin? 7. Kevin doesn’t really know. He admits it for the first time, undoubtedly causing a wave of heart attacks in older readers around Northeast Ohio. But Al Gore doesn’t know, either, and Kevin doesn’t like Al because Al pretends he does know. And Kevin knows these snow drifts sure are high, so he knows Al’s wrong. So yeah, Kevin does know.

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