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Thursday, March 20, 2008

O'Brien Factor: Kevin fears Obama's race speech was full of hidden blackness

Posted By on Thu, Mar 20, 2008 at 7:41 AM

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We read Kevin O'Brien so you don't have to ... Column: Obama's response to Rev. Wright is a split decision Topic: Kevin’s stern disapproval, and savvy decoding, of Barack Obama’s race speech Kevin's Sanity Level Today: 47 percent What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself: Ever see that video of Fabio riding a rollercoaster and a goose smashes into his face? Reading this mimics that experience: you’re meandering through, following his logic, and then—splat!—a large waterfowl of Kevin-brand nonsense smashes into your nose. Charting Kevin's Logic: ... 1. Obama’s black, so he can’t talk about race. Because that would just be way too black of him. 2. To showcase that Kevin is indeed a political insider and not just another middle-aged conservative who happens to have a computer and a readership in the hundreds of thousands, if perhaps that’s what you were thinking, Kevin uses the phrase “identity voters” -- blacks who are for Obama, feminists and “anti-blacks” for Hillary, etc. Kevin also criticizes Obama, or “Mr. Congeniality” as he calls him, for claiming he is above “identity stumping” — which, by the way, is a phrase we just made up but will lease to CNBC for the right price. 3. But this Pastor Wright scandal is strumming Obama’s racial tightrope good. Oh yeah, did we mention that Kevin’s been using a pretty swell “tightrope” analogy throughout? That’s how he describes Obama’s struggle to be black without being, you know, really black. 4. Kevin finally gets to the part of the column where he can start talking about what he doesn’t like about Obama. It’s a lot of work, but it was worth it, sort of like that morning Kevin spent hanging his new American flag, and when he came back into the house, his wife has prepared a steaming plate of pancakes and was wearing those pearl earrings that make her look ravishingly like Barbara Bush. Kevin doesn’t like that Obama denounced Wright by saying the pastor was “not only wrong but divisive.” Kevin seems to think Obama has a syntax problem, and should have said the pastor’s “not only divisive but wrong.” Because, like any patriotic American, Kevin is unequivocally against wrong shit, and is equally unequivocally opposed to bad syntax. 5. Obama denounced “black anger” as misguided and said the pastor “expressed a profoundly distorted view of this country.” Kevin agrees. He really hates it when blacks are angry. But he declines to give Obama a gold star, because, he argues, what else is Obama going to say? It’s hard to think of how Obama could’ve responded to get Kevin’s full approval, at least not until that pill that turns you into a white Republican gets FDA approval. 6. Kevin’s really steamed now, especially about the part where Obama started talking about politics. Obama criticized “a corporate culture rife with inside dealing, questionable accounting practices and short-term greed.” To Kevin, who has a GOP elephant tattooed above his ass, criticizing lobbyists and greed economics is akin to kicking each of his children squarely in the face and sending them off to school in turbans and taped-on beards. So this really pisses him off. 7. The money shot: Kevin compares Obama to Pastor Wright. To draw the similarities, he paraphrases that last part of the speech as, “If you’re angry, you should be. Let me fix it—fix them—for you.” Kevin doesn’t translate the Secret Black Message any further, but it’s assumed that, in the World According to Kevin, Obama also secretly encouraged all black people to kill their bosses and molotov-cocktail their City Halls. Finally, before Kevin retires to his study to play the speech backwards in search of more hidden blackness, he implies that Obama plans on making Suge Knight his Secretary of State, an idea Kevin wouldn’t like at all.
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