According to witness descriptions, a murder suspect looks exactly like Richard Gere if Richard Gere had stopped aging at 17, been a huge Monkeys fan, and invented the Incredible Floating Eyeglasses.
Cleveland, be on the lookout: there’s a murderer on the loose. And he looks like Ellen DeGeneres if she was a pubescent male character card on the popular board game Guess Who? Whatever you do, don’t panic.
As reported by the Plain Dealer this week
, the FBI has released a composite sketch of a man suspected in a June homicide at Henry’s Bar on Clark Avenue. ...
Relatives of the victim would be wise not to get their hopes up, though — this is the same agency that said a bearded, wild-eyed mountain man
looked like a Wu Tang version of Burt Reynolds
True to form, the FBI’s likeness of the unnamed suspect — said to be around 25, 5-feet-8, and 170 pounds — certainly raises more questions than it answers. The sketch was created using witness descriptions, but we’re having trouble figuring out what witnesses told the artist for him to arrive at this mess. The way we figure it, the discussion went something like this:
Witness 1: “Okay, he looked kind of like Ross from Friends, but if he stole Whoopi Goldberg’s glasses, had Screech from Saved by the Bell’s testosterone deficiency, and listens to Marilyn Manson.”
Witness 2: “No, no. He was more of a grad-school Steve Nash addicted to crystal meth and comic books, and with a really shitty optical insurance plan.”
Witness 3: “You’re both wrong. He was John Lennon’s ghost, only with my 13-year old son’s moustache, my 16-year old daughter’s eating disorder, and Connie Chung’s hair.”
To make matters worse, cops say the suspect may have cut his hair, shaved his mustache, and removed the glasses — instantaneously becoming Macaulay Culkin. If you have any information on this real-life Keyser Soze, call Crime Stoppers (216-252-7463) or homicide detectives (216-623-5464). – Gus Garcia Roberts