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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

E-mailed from the deepest regions of hell: press release announcing Wal-Mart/Time Warner partnership

Posted By on Tue, Apr 22, 2008 at 1:32 PM

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A Clear Channel spokesman laments not being included in the Most Evil Press Release Ever: "I thought we were boys."
Not sure how we got on this evil of a e-mailing list — we were positive nobody saw us drowning that hobo in Lake Erie — but we just received a press release that scalded our hard drive. “Time Warner Cable Teams Up With Wal-Mart” was its title, sparking fearful thoughts of a merger, and conjuring visions of an apocalyptic hell featuring $3.99 automatic shotguns, a Wal-Warner in every airport, and Rush Limbaugh as president. Then we read the next line and realized that it wasn’t a merger, only a partnership that means you can subscribe for Time Warner broadband and cable at Northeast Ohio Wal-Marts. Still, these evil guys should be more careful with their language. ... For black-hearted demons, the local executives of the two companies were effusive about their announcement. They even added quotes: "Today's consumer is looking for value and convenience," said Time Warner Cable Northeast Ohio Division President Steve Fry, presumably while stroking a fluffy white cat and ashing his cigar into the hollowed head of a decapitated small-business owner. "We know that they want to watch what they want, when they want, and many want it in high definition [and if they don’t want what we want them to want, we’ll just turn the satellite mind-control beams up to 8].” Hopefully, these two corporations won’t enjoy each others’ company too much. I mean, even Stalin and Hitler began to creep each other out after a while. – Gus Garcia-Roberts

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