When the Ohio Department of Taxation announced this week
that they’d be sending out bills to smokers who’d subverted state taxes by buying their packs online, it wasn’t just another chance to kick everyone’s favorite dead horse. It was an opportunity to recognize a hero.
Thanks to The Man, Ohioans no longer have to wonder who among them snuffs out the most butts during a given day. The title of Ohio’s Biggest Cancer Risk™ – or Biggest Supporter of Struggling Tobacco Farmers®; depends on your perspective, we guess -- goes to a Huron County resident whose lungs, we can only presume, are shaped exactly like Joe Camel. ...
The unidentified person racked up a $2,700 bill, which means he purchased 2,160 packs of cigarettes from vendors in less draconian states. Assuming all those cigarettes were smoked by one person rather than, say, sold outside of the local junior high, that equates to 43,200 cigarettes, or roughly six packs a day. Now that’s commitment.
Department of Taxation Officials refused to reveal the identity of the smoker, but we here at C-Notes don’t think it’d take much to crack this mystery. After all, after years of smoking at a rate equivalent to qualifying for an Olympic event, we can only assume he doesn’t go a day without wearing his Marlboro leather zip-up. – Caleb Hannan