It doesn’t get much more D-list than this: a baseball manager most widely known for his use of a homosexual slur commenting on the white trash travails of a semi-retired pro wrestler turned reality star.
It’s well known that about every 17 games, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen uses a press interview to go on a crazy, half-intelligible, expletive-filled tirade against the world
. After his team’s ugly loss yesterday at the Prog
, including a particularly hideous bottom of the 6th in which the Tribe did to Chicago what our little brother always does to us in MLB2K5—steal home when we’re trying to pick another guy off of first—we were feeling confident in our chances of witnessing a news-worthy blow-up. Who’s he going to tell to chupalo this time, we wondered? ...
But when C-Notes packed into the visiting manager’s room with a bunch of Chicago beat reporters, we found Guillen placidly filling out a weathered book of “Crucigamas”—Spanish crosswords. Guillen glanced up at the reporters, closed the book, and announced, “Hulk Hogan got fucked!” That’s about the time that I began to realize just how much these Chicago reporters leave out of their nightly beat reports.
“Hulk Hogan’s in some deep shit,” Guillen clarified, and pointed at a muted TV tuned to a tabloid news show. Apparently, the pro wrestler’s son Nick is in prison for drunkenly crashing his car and critically injuring a friend. And taped jailhouse conversations between father and son have caught them blaming the accident on the victim, saying it was God’s punishment for being a “negative person,” and then segueing seamlessly into talks about who will pay them the most for their reality show once Nick’s free. Riveting stuff, really, especially if you’re Ozzie Guillen.
“They’re talking about who gonna give him the most money,” the manager tried to explain while laughing wildly, “ and the crazy shit is, it’s all taped.”
Eventually, Ozzie forced himself to settle down and take a few question.
“Overall, it was real bad baseball game for us. Everything went crazy,” Ozzie ruminated. “That’s the kind of game we flush right away and ignore.”
After a few similar answers, Ozzie pumped his fist against his chest and ended the interview with, “That chicken was good, bro.”
“It’s so brutal because that’s Brooke’s best friend,” he said as he stood up, getting back to his topic of choice, and making it clear he’s an avid Hogan Knows Best watcher. He pumped up the volume on the TV and, as a transcript of the father-son conversation flashed on screen, ran a finger along the words, saying gleefully: “Watch!”
“And his kid was driving, bro!” Ozzie finished, cackling as he ran out of the interview room to get some more chicken.
Which brought us to one conclusion: Eric Wedge really needs to step up his game. – Gus Garcia-Roberts