Greg Lloyd, in a rare moment without his gun.
September 14, 2008 has been circled on your calendar since the NFL released its schedule. Actually, it’s been circled twice – once in orange and once in brown. Sunday Night Football. Browns vs. Steelers. Decrepit Rust Belt Hamlet vs. Decrepit Rust Belt Hamlet with Hills. Good vs. Evil.
Since it’s already June, we imagine the checklist for your watch party is almost complete: Sixty-inch flatscreen, bought with the stimulus check you should have put toward the Visa card; twenty “Steelers Suck” mock terrible towels; “%$*# the Steelers” flatware with the image of Calvin pissing on a Pittsburgh helmet; lucky Bernie Kosar action figure; five kegs of the cheapest beer you could find; Tim Couch jersey with the name taped off and a haphazard permanent marker spelling of your last name.
All you’re missing, really, is a former Steelers player to sit on your couch and take all the venom, hatred, and vulgar jokes you and your friends can think of. That’s where former Pittsburgh linebacker Greg Lloyd comes in. ...
Conveniently, and in a desperate attempt to make some quick cash, Lloyd is auctioning himself on Ebay
for that wonderful evening. He’ll go anywhere in the country and watch the game with you and your friends.
With a bargain basement price of $10,000 for the “buy it now” option, it’s almost too easy to secure the former player and consummate loudmouth to round out your party.
Sounds like a good idea, right? Invite the guy over, harass him for three hours, lace his beer with the shit they used to kill that spy in Russia. But here’s the catch: Lloyd might kill you first.
You might recall that in 2003, Lloyd fell one misdemeanor short of completing the off-the-field-family-incidents-with-a-gun trifecta after supposedly shoving a gun in his son’s mouth for bringing home low grades, and then pointing a gun at his wife’s head later in the year. Then again, Lloyd might have turned the proverbial mental corner, because the disclaimer at the bottom of the Ebay page says, “IF THERE IS ANY ILLEGAL ACTIVITY TAKING PLACE AT THIS EVENT GREG WILL GET UP AND LEAVE.” On the other hand, that could simply be Lloyd-speak for, “If there is any illegal activity taking place at this event, Greg will get up and aim a gun at your head, right after he eats all your Cool Ranch Doritos”
So get your bids in now, and make sure you get us the address. We’ll bring the dip! – Vince the Polack