Thursday, June 19, 2008

O'Brien Factor: Terrorists should either get color-coordinated or get tortured

Posted By on Thu, Jun 19, 2008 at 8:03 AM

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We read Kevin O'Brien so you don't have to ... Column: The terrorists get their day in court. Topic: Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that terror suspects will get their day in court. Kevin-- steel yourself -- doesn’t like the idea. Kevin's Sanity Level Today: 38 percent What Your Head Would Feel Like if You Read it Yourself: A mayfly buzzes around your ear. You try to smack it, but in a freak occurrence, the sudden hand movement creates an air pocket that pushes the insect through your ear canal. It flutters around in your cranium, tickling your cerebral cortex and causing your eyes to cross. Also, you’re wearing a baseball hat that’s 3/8 of a size too small. A Yankees hat, to be precise. Charting Kevin's Logic: 1. In case you forgot, Kevin’s totally into the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. A bit more surprisingly, Kevin also loves the Constitution. Honest. In his diary, he ranks it third behind only Lee Iacocca’s biography and the Forum section of the Plain Dealer in his list of America’s most vital documents. He’s also a fan of the Geneva Convention—specifically its use of the word “uniformed.” By the way, isn’t foreshadowing nifty? 2. Terrorists don’t wear uniforms. And no, dressing like the bad guy from The Mummy doesn’t count. You need to have, like, patches, to fall under Geneva’s protection. That’s why boy scouts shouldn’t be detained indefinitely, or tortured. Also Burger King employees. 3. Plus, terrorists don’t believe in the Geneva convention. And they use copies of the Constitution for AK-47 target practice. So when we capture them, it would be silly to follow the Geneva convention, or the Constitution. See how that works? If you don’t, you’re basically Al Gore in a kufi. 4. Thanks to those liberal loosies over at the Supreme Court, all those jihadists currently bronzing in Guantanamo now get to enter the cool confines of U.S. court. But how does he know they’re jihadists, you ask, if they haven’t yet been to court? Shut up, jihadist! 5. You see how unfair this is? The terrorists get to cut our heads off after just a few ooga-boogas in front of a video camera. But we don’t even get to lock them in a cage forever without first going through the hassle of proving that they’re terrorists. And does this mean we can’t even electrocute their nipples? Just a little? Bogus!

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