Scene and Heard: Scene's News Blog

A couple of years ago, Scene's former editor wrote an open letter to Stephen Colbert asking him to be the president of Cleveland.

Turns out Stephen had better things to do and couldn't take us up on the offer, but that didn't change the fact that Stephen was always welcome here.

Until now, perhaps.

The Colbert Report tackled the LeBron free agency issue last night and Stephen had this quip:

"We'll finally get the answer to the question: Would anyone choose to live in Cleveland for $30 million?"

Boo, Stephen. We hereby rescind our offer. Watch the video below.

• "Foreclosed" is Spanish for "bargain."

If you're a bargain hunter in search of a new abode, come on down to Ohio.

The Buckeye State sports the cheapest prices on foreclosed property in the country according to a new study by RealtyTrac.

Cardboard boxes going for the low $12's, we hear. Real homes will cost you slightly more, but not by much. RealtyTrac says you can grab a foreclosed home for an average of just $79,762.

Now if anyone in Ohio had $79,762, we'd be in business.

The study released Wednesday by foreclosure tracking firm RealtyTrac says Ohio's average price for a foreclosed home sold during the first three months of 2010 was $79,762. That was 39.5 percent less than the average price for a home not under foreclosure.

Illinois and Kentucky were right behind Ohio, with foreclosure discounts also greater than 39 percent. The U.S. average was 26.7 percent.

RealtyTrac senior vice president Rick Sharga says foreclosed homes may be relatively cheap in Ohio, Illinois and Kentucky because the properties tend to be older and more dilapidated than those in Sun Belt states with high foreclosure rates.

Realtors are probably eschewing the term of "dilapidated" in their listings, but you get the point.

• There is only so much fun you can have in an attic

Cincinnati resident Shawn Lloyd has been accused of locking a 59-year-old women in the attic of her home for three straight days. And while hanging out in the attic can be fun from time to time, temperatures hit the 90s during the period this woman, Mary Daniels, was cooped up in the top of her home, and the city was under a "heat emergency." Meaning Daniels' attic must have felt worse than a steam room.

Daniels was heard yelling "IT'S REALLY HOT UP HERE, HELP!" and was subsequently found and treated for dehydration. No motive has been found yet as to why Lloyd decided to lock the poor woman up there. Daniels should probably think about installing an air conditioner in her attic, though.

• Mean Streak: Still the best ride at Cedar Point.

Good morning, Cleveland. Here's some stuff to read while you ignore your children for their own benefit.

— Research shows that leaving kids unattended to play bolsters their "executive abilities" and self-regulation. "Executive abilities" would be skills like big kids beating up smaller kids, and "self-regulation" would be skills like the smaller kids learning to be really fast to run away. We assume. It's not like we had any personal experience with that second part or anything. (Cleveland.com)

— Cedar Point's new water ride, which was supposed to be open a month ago, is finally operational. Cedar Point says riders are now lining up in hordes for Shoot the Rapids. Also, leering gawkers are probably lining up to see all the hot girls walk off the ride all wet. Pervs. (AP)

— Who wants Indians tickets? For the most part, nobody. Unless you're a mail carrier in Akron and you just steal them from people's mail. (Ohio.com)

— St. Emeric's is the 50th church to close in Cleveland. Expect golf courses to get that much busier on Sunday morning. (AP)

• Fatty, sure, but delicious. Look at that. Mmmmmm.

Ohio is full of fatty foods. It's kind of our specialty. The Buckeye state excels at comfort food, the kind of calorie-laden adventures into succulent tasteland that make us the 13th fattest state in the country.

Wonder what the fattiest is? (And by that, we mean tastiest, obviously.)

Health.com put together a list of the fattiest food by state, and Bob Evans takes first place for Ohio in this undoubtedly unscientific study. (Seriously, how do you even begin to pretend to have a list of every meal served in every restaurant in every state?)

So, kudos to you, Bob Evans, for not only serving as Ohio's favorite hangover breakfast joint, but also for slinging dishes like the Sausage Biscuit Bowl, which contains the max amount of fat a human is supposed to consume in a single day. Alfalfa sprouts and egg whites are for wussies anyway.

Ingredients: Home fries, eggs, sausage gravy, sausage, cheddar cheese, scallions, margarine, in a biscuit bowl

Fat content: 61 grams of fat and 28 grams of saturated fat—just about the maximum recommended intake for an entire day.

Sad, strange news coming out of the Cuyahoga County jail this morning. Last night, suspected burglar Albert Fabian Jr. died after guards found him choking alone in his cell. When EMS arrived on the scene, they tried to save the 47 year-old Parama man by removing the offending object — an empty deodorant container, 1 inch wide and 1.5 inches long.

Fabian was rushed to St. Vincent Charity hospital but died at around 6:45. The Plain Dealer this morning has the details. No word on whether it was a suicide attempt or if Fabian was just passing the time chewing on the deodorant when things went horribly wrong.

• The first result when you do a Google image search for "dumb and Ohio."

Cleveland might be a progressive, loving, welcoming town built on the backs and hearts of immigrants grandparents — at least we'd like to believe that — but the rest of Ohio apparently is not so trusting. Half the state is basically below the Mason Dixie line and "half" voted for Bush, so that shouldn't be surprising.

In a new poll by Quinnipiac University, almost half of Ohio voters approve of the controversial, racial-profile-welcoming law instituted by Arizona which allows police to check on your citizenship if you don't look like you're a citizen.

45 percent said they would like Ohio to be as blindly xenophobic and profile-y as Arizona, even if the merits of such a law here are fuzzy, at best.

By 45-35 percent, voters say they'd like to see Ohio pass legislation similar to Arizona's. And, by an overwhelming 79-10 percent, they think boycotting Arizona because of its law is a bad idea.

The survey of 1,107 registered Ohio voters was taken June 22-27. It has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points.

With any luck, Ohio can be the state where you can not only be legally stopped by a cop who thinks you maybe, might be speeding but also because you maybe, might be an illegal immigrant.

Someone alert the tourism board!