Friday, December 9, 2011

Troopers Uncover Dumb Driver, More Bath Salts

Posted By on Fri, Dec 9, 2011 at 11:43 AM

Calgon, take him away.
  • Calgon, take him away.

Today’s dumbass drug-running traffic blunder award goes to Zeeshan Ali Ghani, a 26-year-old South Carolina man who was trailing a fellow motorist just a tad too close for comfort for an observant state trooper on a stretch of the Ohio Turnpike yesterday.

As fate would have it, Zeeshan’s rented Ford Explorer was toting five pounds of bath salts that weren’t earmarked for his lady friend’s Christmas stocking. The canine-abetted bust was estimated at $150,000 in value, plus $15,000 in checks were recovered, presumably not made out to Bath and Body Works.

Today, Zeeshan and his passenger are second-guessing their bulletproof strategy from the friendly confines of the Wood County jail, awaiting what could be an early Christmas gift of $42,500 in fines and 21 years in the slam. Happy holidays, boys!

And now for a brief public-service announcement…

Jackasses running drugs across our fair state, please take note: It is not all that difficult to traverse Ohio’s byways without calling attention to yourself. Here are a few handy tips:

1) Try your best to look like those around you, which is to say: Do not drive like a toddler who stole the family Little Tykes Jeep.

2) Choose your favorite lane and mostly stick to it.

3) If you change your mind about that lane you thought you liked, be sure to signal properly.

4) Maintain a safe distance from all neighboring motorists. Half a mile sounds about right.

5) Maybe try one of those "I'm the Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student" bumper stickers. Nobody gives those folks any shit.

6) Get your damned license tags updated like the rest of us.

Remember: Running drugs, if done properly, can be an easy and rewarding means of netting extra spending cash. My dented Subaru and my Ward Cleaver driving habits could get you 60 rocks from Queens to Fargo. What’s your excuse?

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