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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Wed, Sep 26, 2012 at 10:58 AM

mike-holmgren.jpg

Dear Scene:

Gee willikers, you have a pretty state. All those painted barns and Amish buggies and the fall colors...especially out in Kirtland, where the Crawfords threw that swell fundraiser for me. Don't even want to tell you what I said there. By the way, did you know that Joseph Smith built a temple in Kirtland? Oops, never mind, I'm not supposed to talk about my religion.

Anyway, Ann and I were thinking it would be more fun to tour Ohio in one of her Caddies. But it's so hard to get a good driver nowadays. And he would probably be colored, which might not go over so well. Can I say that?

Oh, and one other thing: Can you tell us where to find the middle class?

Mitt Romney

On the bus

***

Dear Scene:

Honk if you're in the 47 percent.

Barack Obama

On the other bus

***

Dear Scene:

Do you post resumes in your classifieds section? I'm asking for a friend.

Pat Shurmur

Berea

***

Dear Scene:

Attached please find my resume. I assure you I have the highest WAR and zone rating of any candidate you are looking at currently. Charts and graphs to follow in a second e-mail. For references, talk to the hot dog vendors.

Chris Antonetti

Progressive Field

***

Dear Scene:

Your going to love my work experience. Pls forward around to anyone who you think need a motorcycle enthusiast, mustache affiociando, or expert on Seattle weather. Its rainyyy!

Sent from my mobile

Mike Holmgren

Washington State

***

Dear Scene:

Due to some recent scrutiny, the university's accounting department has requested that I verify expenses from a recent trip to Cleveland. Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced the paperwork. Could you and your readers help? If you find receipts from Pet Supplies Plus for $10,000 in silk cat bow ties, or a $6,999 tab for bottle service at the Earth, please forward.

Go Bucks!

E. Gordon Gee

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

Although a recent "official" "non-partisan" "newspaper poll" puts my opponent, Sherrod Brown, seven points ahead in our Senate race, I recently conducted my own poll that has me ahead. Granted, the poll was taken last weekend at the Koch brothers' monthly slumber party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Actually, I would have polled better, but Sheldon Adelson got a little salty when I claimed top bunk.

Toodles,

Josh Mandel

Beachwood

***

Dear Scene:

If you give me a deal on posting my resume on your site, I will give you a free box of cigars. Let me know.

Manny Acta

Cleveland

***

Dear Scene:

It's true, I'm in Florida. The beach is great for my anxiety disorder – just me, the ocean, a Mojito and my memories. I've also been hitting an open-air gym. Sure, laugh it up. A grown man can only take so much abuse, being called a "loser," a "weeny," "Dimora's towel boy," and "Russo's footstool." The panic attack in court didn't help, either.

But those days are behind me. From now on, J. Kevin Kelley is his own self-confident, strong-willed man. Which is what I repeat to myself in the mirror every morning, again at 11:30, once before dinner, and again before bed.

J. Kevin Kelley

Undisclosed location, Florida

***

Dear Scene:

A memorial to Kal-El at Hopkins? Your city must be desperate indeed to honor a costumed geek who spends all his time flying around, ogling women with his X-ray vision. Even as a child on Krypton, he was insufferable.

And look at him now: Deeply conflicted with that "secret identity" business. Shamelessly merchandising himself. Have you checked his green card?

However, we do appreciate the placement near baggage claim. Skycap, anyone?

General Zod,

Ursa and Non

The Phantom Zone

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