Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Wed, Oct 10, 2012 at 2:01 PM

Eternal graditude to The Onion for this.
  • Eternal graditude to The Onion for this.

Some of you write us letters, and we appreciate you. But there are others who don't who we'd like to hear from. For example...

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Dear Scene:

I recently made a purchase of a local Cleveland product, and while I support the city, its institutions and organizations, it turns out that I have changed my mind. Thankfully, I believe I'm still within the time limit to make a return. The problem is, I seem to have misplaced the receipt. It was for $1 billion or so, and it was last seen near Berea. If found, please let me know.

Jimmy Haslam

Knoxville, Tennessee

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Dear Scene:

Goallllllllllllllllllllllll! I'm celebrating this moment of Aston Villa triumph by throwing confetti in the air from my perch at Villa Park. How convenient that Pinterest showed me an easy way to make confetti from leftover receipts, just this past Sunday afternoon around 4 p.m. Smashing!

Randy Lerner

England

***

Dear Scene:

If the President happens to interrupt your business, suck it up. He's the most powerful man in the world, and if he wants a minute of your time, you give it to him. The skinless, boneless chicken thighs can wait. Complaining about it is...chickenshit. I would have invited Obama to the back of my stand, shown him how to skin or debone a fillet, do a proper dry rub on a salmon, and catch a sea bass that's been thrown by a brawny guy 20 feet away. This just proves the superiority of fish over fowl, once and for all. You don't have to be a brain sturgeon to know that! Reely!

The Fish Guy

The Fish Stand

West Side Market

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Dear Scene:

What's with the Rock Hall's latest group of nominees? I can't believe they would put Rush on the list but not us. We took those guys out on tour when nobody knew who they were. Every night, while we were living the rock 'n' roll dream partying and banging groupies, they'd be holed up in their rooms reading. Who needs Ayn Rand when you've got Cher, Diana Ross, Shannon Tweed, and 4,600 other "muses"?

Gene Simmons

Beverly Hills

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Dear Scene:

I would like to announce that my office has opened an investigation into voter fraud at the Rock Hall. Corruption is the only way to explain how Rush was nominated while KISS was once again ignored. KISS rocks.

Jon Husted

Secretary of State

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

As you know, Boobie Gibson's reality show "Family First" premiered on BET this week. Listen, Boobie's a good guy and a great teammate, and his wife, R&B singer Keyshia Cole, will bring some major star power. But he's far from the only Cavs player deserving of a prime-time slot. Take me, for example. Who wouldn't want to follow the nonstop glamorous lifestyle of a 9-year NBA journeyman who's averaged 4.8 points per game over his career? When you're not watching me straight chillin' on the end of the bench next to the Gatorade, you can check me out sitting at my dad's house, watching him do bong hits and lecture the dog about the soul-saving catharsis that is the Grateful Dead. Let me know if you want to shoot a pilot soon. My schedule is pretty wide open.

Luke Walton

Quicken Loans Arena

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Dear Scene:

So I've been away from Cleveland only a coupla years, and awreddy they've made a sculpture of me — in bronze. What am I, "The Thinker"? I hear the thing cost 38 grand. That's a lot of bread! Hey, I'm just a file clerk from the old neighborhood. What's with the fancy-shmancy statue awreddy?

Harvey Pekar

The Great Beyond

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Dear Scene:

Don't worry, I won't let what happened to Barack in the first debate happen to me. I've been practicing my zingers! I'm gonna use all the lines the president was too polite to say, like, "My opponent has a plan for the economy: strap 47% of Americans to the roof of his station wagon!" and "He's done more flip-flops on health care than his dancing horse did in the Olympics!" Oh wait, those were for Mitt. Hold on, hold on. I've got a million of 'em, believe me. I even have a few good ones left over from my debate with Sarah Palin. How's this: "Mr. Ryan, the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is that the pit bull eventually stops whining." I can't wait!

Joltin' Joe Biden

Washington, D.C.

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