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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Thu, Oct 25, 2012 at 10:39 AM

lebron-james-heat.jpg

Dear Scene:

I'm writing to say good luck to the Cavs this year. You guys have a strong crop of young bucks. Coach Scott is gonna drill them into contenders! See you on the court.

LeBron James

Miami

***

Dear Scene:

[CENSORED] that ego-bloated [CEN-SORED]! I hope he [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] [CENSORED] while everyone [CENSORED] and watches. Plus, he can take his [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] it with a bottle of Tabasco.

Dan Gilbert

The Q

***

Dear Scene:

Just to be clear: Voting is a right. So is making a profit by taking millions from an anonymous, out-of-state "family foundation" to put up billboards that scare minorities. To be honest, we didn't think they'd be scared, because we didn't think any of them could read. Why do you think the Colonel shortened his name to KFC?

Clear Channel Outdoor

Everywhere

Dear Scene:

I would like to correct the media coverage of my recent debate against Sen. Sherrod Brown, which was described as "acrimonious" (whatever that means) and "testy" (there were no tests!). When I called Brown a "bloated Beltway hack," what I clearly meant was, "My opponent has a long and distinguished record of public service." When he said I wouldn't be like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and I replied, "I take personal offense with that," what I meant was: "Seriously, you're naming movies from 40 years before I was born? WTF!" When he called me "an ambitious, lying pipsqueak" and I turned red, stamped my feet and shouted "Am not! Am not!," clearly what I meant was: "I respectfully disagree with the Senator." Oh, and did I mention I was a Marine in Iraq?

Josh Mandel

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

Don't let the gravelly voice fool you; I'm a sweetheart. I've been practicing. In the next debate, I will not mention Dumbo's big ears or pencil neck. And I'll only use the phrase "pants on fire" twice — three times, tops

Sherrod Brown

Washington, D.C.

***

Dear Scene:

Some records were recently made public that we may or may not have been holding onto for a while. They were quickly dubbed "the perversion files," which is pretty harsh. It was simply due diligence on our part. That it amounted to over 14,000 documents of alleged sexual abuses, names and info on sexual predators in the Boy Scouts, and details that would make any human squirm, should not distract from the fact that they were used to root out individuals who could harm children. That the docs only go up to 1985 should reinforce how well the program worked, and how few problems have popped up since. Things are cool, so stop worrying. Nothing to see over here. At least, nothing we're prepared to show you yet.

Boy Scouts of America

In your neighborhood

***

Dear Scene:

Why did everyone get so bent out of shape when Paul Ryan misidentified me as Brandon Weeden? It's the most attention I've gotten in three years.

Colt McCoy

The bench

***

Dear Scene:

Nothing pumps up the players like big-time Republicans stopping by practice. You should have seen those boys flexing their muscles for Condi Rice. Okay, so none of it transferred to the game on Sunday, which is why next time we're going hard-core: G. Gordon Liddy. Dick "buckshot" Cheney. Henry "Bomb 'em back to the Stone Age" Kissinger. Talk about motivation!

Jimmy Haslam

Berea

***

Dear Scene:

Look, things are starting to get a little weird with Jon Husted. We told him no, but he won't take the hint. First it was the endless text messages. Then he wouldn't stop "liking" everything we posted on Facebook. Last week he slipped a pleading note under our door with a mix-CD of his favorite summer jams. But it's just not going to happen, Jon. It's over. We're sorry.

John Roberts, et al.

Washington

***

Dear Scene:

I hear Ohio election officials have decided that if a person votes and then dies, the vote is still counted. I want the record to show that Illinois is, and always will be, the dead-vote leader. In fact, I just voted this morning.

Richard J. Daley

Hell

***

Dear Scene:

As the honorable mayor of the city of Detroit, I am writing to thank the good people of Cleveland. When the producers of Alex Cross first toured our fair municipality in preparation for shooting their movie, they were immediately scared off. Shit was too real in D-town for the Hollywood types. Instead, they filmed in your beautiful city, which acted as a fictional stand-in for our town. So thank you for making the Motor City look remarkably better in the eyes of the nation. Suckas.

Mayor Dave Bing

Detroit

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