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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Thu, Nov 8, 2012 at 10:00 AM

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Dear Scene:

The recent Presidential election brought a lot of attention to our state. Now that it's all over, we want to remind everyone that Ohio is a lot more than a battleground for 18 hotly contested electoral votes.

There are so many amazing attractions here! For instance, have you visited the Human Fingers in a Jar in Bowling Green? How about the World's Largest Horseshoe Crab in Blanchester? Or Avon, the Duct Tape Capital of the World?

Of course, we're justly proud of the World's Largest Basket-Shaped Building in Newark, and the Death Mask of Pretty Boy Floyd in East Liverpool. And when you visit our state, be sure to stop for lunch at Ernest Angley's Cathedral Buffet and Life of Christ Display in Cuyahoga Falls.

Don't wait till the next election to find out why we say: "Ohio: Too Much Fun for Just One Day."

Ohio Division of Travel and Tourism

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

Okay, so nobody paid attention to me when I tried to cancel trick-or-treating Saturday night. It's beyond me why kids would rather roam the streets than come to Big City Boo. But don't think I'm done. There's always Thanksgiving. And Christmas. The Grinch has got nothing on me.

Mayor Frank Jackson

City Hall

***

Dear Scene:

A bad business, seeing all the Ratners backstabbing Josh for his conservative politics. Not all of us are like that. Personally, I believe my seventh cousin by marriage would make a wonderful Senator. Although we've never met, I was cheering on his campaign the whole time. And who knows? Maybe, when I get out in 2020 (fingers crossed!), I'll be invited to the first Passover Seder in the White House!

Ezekiel "Touchy Eddie" Haupman-Ratner

Anchorage Correctional Complex, Alaska

***

Dear Scene:

If we learned anything from this election, it's that the polls are bullshit. They were just cooked up by the liberal media, trying to rain on my man Mitt's parade. There was no scientific basis for any of that crap. Except, of course, for the Ohio gubernatorial approval rating polls. Those are all spot-on.

Governor John Kasich

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

In response to Cleveland Heights High School's legal challenge to this year's football playoffs schedule, we've now amended the language in our bylaws to avoid any future disputes. Section 303.213 of the code now reads: "No team shall be deemed manly enough for gridiron combat should said team resort to legal maneuvers, complaints, or other court action in order to earn a slot in postseason play." We've termed this the "Wussy Doctrine."

Ohio High School Athletic Association

Columbus

***

Dear Scene:

I'm pleased that my archives are going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. But I was dismayed to learn that most of my personal belongings are going to be auctioned off at the Agora on Sunday. And the horrible story in the Plain Dealer by that nosy Chuck Yarborough! How would you like some stranger poking around in your bedroom closet?

Someone is going to be very lucky to get my signed copy of the Ramones' Mania album. In fact, I have to run, I'm having a drink with Joey. Or is it Dee Dee? I still can't tell the difference.

Jane Scott

Rock 'n' Roll Heaven

***

Dear Scene:

It saddens me that my time in Cleveland is over. It's been a grand 10 years occasionally playing baseball for the Tribe, even though I spent a lot of it sitting around in street clothes watching other people play baseball for the Tribe.

Now that I'm moving on, I've been cleaning out my basement and could use your help. I still have dozens of boxes of Pronk bars. It's a sizable inventory, and for some reason the bars don't expire until 2017. Probably some illegal preservatives, which I don't condone, naturally.

Either way, they're available, $2 apiece or 5 for $8, on my front porch (formerly known as Pronkville). Get your souvenirs while they last!

Travis Hafner

Westlake

***

Dear Scene:

As you may know, we announced the first two major tenants at the Medical Mart last week: The Cleveland Clinic and GE Healthcare.

We would also like to make an exclusive announcement in Scene of the restaurant that will serve as the cornerstone of the cafeteria: Cinnabon. It was a natural fit — a delicious, gooey fit. I haven't told the folks at the Clinic yet, but I'm sure Toby Cosgrove will be thrilled.

Ed FitzGerald

County Administration Building

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