I put an ad up on Craigslist, but maybe you can get the word out, too. I'm searching for a new housemate, since my pal is going on a semi-permanent vacation. Looking for someone who likes shopping and zebra-print shirts. Serious inquiries only. Thanks!
Our buddy, our pal, our steadfast partner Frank Russo is heading off to prison later this month. While we cannot be there to send him off personally, we would just like to pass along this message: Don't worry, our hunky welcoming committee is very eager to meet you. You won't be disappointed.
Cuyahoga County Corruption All-Stars
Yet another of our RTA drivers was assaulted recently. That makes three in less than two months. I just have one question for Cleveland's transit riders: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. I'm asking.
ATU Local 268
So you were annoyed that I didn't take the stage until 10:30? Tough titty. I know the tickets said the show would start at 8, but divas can't be troubled with these petty details. I didn't show up until 10:45 in Detroit, so you should feel lucky. Speaking of Detroit, I'm a hometown girl, and I don't know why they booed when I talked about how excited I was that Obama got reelected. Detroit can suck it.
We heard Madonna talked some shit about Detroit during her show in Cleveland. We don't appreciate it, but since she's well on her way to irrelevancy, what the hell? Seriously, who cares what a 54-year old woman in a cheerleader outfit thinks?
The Motor City
Surely $100 is a fair ticket price to hear me further extol the virtues of Frank Gehry's Peter B. Lewis building at AIA's panel discussion on Friday. I love that place! Never mind that it's a massive ego exercise that bears no relationship to the surrounding architecture. Not to mention a hazard in winter, when it sends life-threatening ice sheets crashing to the ground. Business students are a dime a dozen, but famous architects rock my socks.
The Plain Dealer
In the wake of Cleveland State's campus smoking ban, we would just like to point out that we have no interest in ostracizing a significant portion of the student body based on their bad habits. You want to light up, and come to class smelling like an ashtray? Call us.
Cuyahoga Community College
East, West and Downtown
We've undertaken a curriculum expansion to attract some segments of the student demographic that other schools have recently ignored. Our exciting new classes include: "History of Tobacco," "Myths About Nicotine," and "Menthol: The Real Story."
Case Western Reserve
Smoking ban? Are you kidding? Hell, the University of Phoenix doesn't even have a campus, much less a campus smoking ban. Smoke all you like while you work from home. Incidentally, you also don't need a high school degree to attend.
University of Phoenix
Since trend-conscious Cleveland diners long ago abandoned concerns about health and adopted my pork-a-licious, live-for-today culinary style, I'm planning to open a new restaurant, Cardilögie. The menu will include specialties like Whole Live Pig Wrapped in Bacon; Offal Pudding; Snouts Alfredo; Cloven Hoof Gumbo; and our signature drink, the Lard Mojito. For your convenience, there will be defibrillators at every table and a cardiac care unit directly adjacent to the restaurant. Join me as I replace "fine dining" with "swine dining."
U think we like siting in these crapy classrooms all day? And now it gonna be 50 minutes more! How would u like if we voted to add an hour to yr job every day? Didn't you never hear Pink Floyd? We don't need no more edjumacation!
You may be laughing at me. But who else can say they coached LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, and Dwight Howard? Maybe it didn't look good when the superstars wouldn't listen to me, or when I had assistant coaches diagramming plays while I cleaned my glasses. But I have a fresh $11 million burning in my pocket right now. Not bad, even if you're forever known as the coach who got whacked after five games.
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