Friday, November 16, 2012

Letters We'd Like to Get

Posted By on Fri, Nov 16, 2012 at 4:30 PM

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Dear Scene:

I put an ad up on Craigslist, but maybe you can get the word out, too. I'm searching for a new housemate, since my pal is going on a semi-permanent vacation. Looking for someone who likes shopping and zebra-print shirts. Serious inquiries only. Thanks!

Michael Calabrese

Beachwood Mall

Dear Scene:

Our buddy, our pal, our steadfast partner Frank Russo is heading off to prison later this month. While we cannot be there to send him off personally, we would just like to pass along this message: Don't worry, our hunky welcoming committee is very eager to meet you. You won't be disappointed.

Cuyahoga County Corruption All-Stars

Behind Bars

Dear Scene:

Yet another of our RTA drivers was assaulted recently. That makes three in less than two months. I just have one question for Cleveland's transit riders: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. I'm asking.

William Nix

ATU Local 268

Dear Scene:

So you were annoyed that I didn't take the stage until 10:30? Tough titty. I know the tickets said the show would start at 8, but divas can't be troubled with these petty details. I didn't show up until 10:45 in Detroit, so you should feel lucky. Speaking of Detroit, I'm a hometown girl, and I don't know why they booed when I talked about how excited I was that Obama got reelected. Detroit can suck it.

Madonna

On tour

Dear Scene:

We heard Madonna talked some shit about Detroit during her show in Cleveland. We don't appreciate it, but since she's well on her way to irrelevancy, what the hell? Seriously, who cares what a 54-year old woman in a cheerleader outfit thinks?

The Motor City

Michigan

Dear Scene:

Surely $100 is a fair ticket price to hear me further extol the virtues of Frank Gehry's Peter B. Lewis building at AIA's panel discussion on Friday. I love that place! Never mind that it's a massive ego exercise that bears no relationship to the surrounding architecture. Not to mention a hazard in winter, when it sends life-threatening ice sheets crashing to the ground. Business students are a dime a dozen, but famous architects rock my socks.

Steven Litt

The Plain Dealer

Dear Scene:

In the wake of Cleveland State's campus smoking ban, we would just like to point out that we have no interest in ostracizing a significant portion of the student body based on their bad habits. You want to light up, and come to class smelling like an ashtray? Call us.

Cuyahoga Community College

East, West and Downtown

Dear Scene:

We've undertaken a curriculum expansion to attract some segments of the student demographic that other schools have recently ignored. Our exciting new classes include: "History of Tobacco," "Myths About Nicotine," and "Menthol: The Real Story."

Case Western Reserve

University Circle

Dear Scene:

Smoking ban? Are you kidding? Hell, the University of Phoenix doesn't even have a campus, much less a campus smoking ban. Smoke all you like while you work from home. Incidentally, you also don't need a high school degree to attend.

University of Phoenix

Online

Dear Scene:

Since trend-conscious Cleveland diners long ago abandoned concerns about health and adopted my pork-a-licious, live-for-today culinary style, I'm planning to open a new restaurant, Cardilögie. The menu will include specialties like Whole Live Pig Wrapped in Bacon; Offal Pudding; Snouts Alfredo; Cloven Hoof Gumbo; and our signature drink, the Lard Mojito. For your convenience, there will be defibrillators at every table and a cardiac care unit directly adjacent to the restaurant. Join me as I replace "fine dining" with "swine dining."

Michael Symon

Celebrityville

Yo Scene:

U think we like siting in these crapy classrooms all day? And now it gonna be 50 minutes more! How would u like if we voted to add an hour to yr job every day? Didn't you never hear Pink Floyd? We don't need no more edjumacation!

Anonimus

Cleveland schools

Dear Scene:

You may be laughing at me. But who else can say they coached LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, and Dwight Howard? Maybe it didn't look good when the superstars wouldn't listen to me, or when I had assistant coaches diagramming plays while I cleaned my glasses. But I have a fresh $11 million burning in my pocket right now. Not bad, even if you're forever known as the coach who got whacked after five games.

Mike Brown

Los Angeles

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