Tuesday, April 9, 2013

5 Reasons Why Mark Reynolds is Cooler Than Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis Guy Combined

Posted By on Tue, Apr 9, 2013 at 2:24 PM

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Mark Reynolds, ladies and germs! Mark "Don't Call Me Thor Cuz I Don't Look That Much Like Him" Reynolds! Mr. Mark Reynolds: Philanthropist, Musician, Medical Doctor, Astronaut, and Texas Instruments Visionary. Cleveland Indian Mark Reynolds, folks. Put your hands together for Mark Reynolds.

Despite assertions to the contrary, specifically numero cinco, Mark Reynolds has emerged as an Indian in the immortal #12 of Roberto Alomar and has proceeded, through seven games (only six of which he's played), to swat the motherloving skin off of every ball thrown his way.

Here's the relevant statistical intel:

AVG: .291
HR: 4 (Leads team)
RBI: 8 (Leads team)
SLG: .875
Strikeouts: 7 (DOES NOT LEAD TEAM).

Guys, look it. The sample size is incredibly small, but Reynolds has landed in Cleveland with gusto. And it's not just baseball: I mean, here are five things Reynolds did last night cooler than anything Chuck Norris or the Dos Equis guy have ever done ever:

1) Mark Reynolds went back in time to give Adolf Hitler a high-five and then pulled his hand away at the last second, just to piss Hitler off.

2) Mark Reynolds responded to allegations by Mark Wahlberg about the former's dick width: LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

3) Mark Reynolds personally scolded every Asian Carp in America. Several carp reported that they don't mind when Reynolds is mad; they mind when he's "disappointed."

4) Mark Reynolds had a conversation about climate change whilst drinking a Great Lakes Brewing Company beer and learned "at least three hard facts" about the issue he didn't know before.

5) Mark Reynolds read 50 pages of his book — an essay collection by a luminary of Eastern Europe's early 20th century — and then wrote 25 pages of his own novel-in-progress, a meaty thriller "with a sentimental streak" about the Underground Railroad and the evolution of the Canadian wood-pulping industry.

In other really good baseball news, Carlos Santana has only struck out twice all year, and his thumb is bruised but not broken after being hit by a fastball in yesterday's home opener.

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