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The Struggling Creative Genius
Who knows what he actually does — graphic design? branding? apparel? — except post on Instagram, but never anything that he actually makes, just motivational quotes about making art. He's allegedly creative, but he spends most of the time in his loft Googling apartments in Brooklyn or Portland. Anywhere, really, that can be funded by designing fliers for his friends' parties and CD covers for his friend that's in seven bands.
The Lakewood Drunk
If it's not on Madison or Detroit, he probably hasn't been there. And if the fine establishment down the street doesn't have karaoke or $1 shots, he's probably not going. Yeah, he could get a nicer apartment somewhere else, but he really just loves the family atmosphere and community of Lakewood. (And, if he moved, he couldn't walk to the bar.)
The Parma (Or Willoughby, or Rocky River, or whatever) Townie
He went to your local high school and probably ended up at Kent State or Ohio State for a semester before realizing he really just wanted to move home and spend time with his parents and reconnect with his friends. He knows all the cops at that local cop bar but has three DUIs to his name — but no convictions since his uncle's the judge. Anyway, he could still really use a ride if you're offering.
The Cleveland Foodie
That new place that opened last week? He's already been there. Actually, he was there before that, back at the soft opening where the chef/owner only invited his friends. And he was there before that too, at the other six gastropubs that claimed that address as home before that. Prolific at (Yelping at) work, he will be ordering for you, thank you very much, since he already researched the menu this afternoon and knows all 10 things he would like to sample, and he will be taking pictures of every dish before he takes a bite. That lights not quite right, can you hold your plate a little more to the left and bend out of the way so there's no shadow? Thanks. And no, he doesn't want to grab a quick bite at B-Spot; he remembers when Michael Symon was actually a chef and watched Symon cook his dinner back at Lolita when it was Lola. A little late to the party there, honey.
The Divorced Sketchy Rich Guy
He's rediscovering his youth and he's enjoying a helluva lot more this time because he's loaded. And now he's divorced, or at least says he's in the process right now, and no one can complain now when he does piles of blow at his East Fourth apartment. He's a lawyer, or maybe he works at PNC, you weren't listening, mainly because he was cutting you off while explaining you have to leave because he has to get up early to go to his kid's soccer game and yeah, his ex-wife is going to be there and you can't go, but it's totally over.
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