Tuesday, August 26, 2014

'All The Fucking Up Has Been Monopolized': Deadspin Previews the Upcoming Browns Season

Posted By on Tue, Aug 26, 2014 at 12:35 PM

Click to visit Deadspins Browns preview
  • Click to visit Deadspin's Browns preview

Deadspin's annual "Why Your Team Sucks" series is the only NFL preview you'll really need to get ready for the season, and today it's the Cleveland Browns under the microscope, so head on over and give it a read.

Here are some highlights of the piece written by the great Drew Magary:

Magary reviews the 2013 season:

... All of that happened. And yet, that was only the beginning! I'm going to tell you something: Most of these previews are just a rehashing of shit you already knew, because most teams don't change all that much from year to year. They all suck for the same reasons. And then… then there are teams like the Browns, who can spend a 12-month stretch fucking up in enough novel ways to fill up an entire book. Between the Browns and the Redskins, all the fucking up has been monopolized. They do not share their incompetence with other teams. They hog it all for themselves, which is kinda selfish, really.

Coach Mike Pettine:

... So that was the coaching search. After missing out on McDaniels, Gase, Quinn, Staphy McGee, Pepper Rodgers, The Rock, this bag of pebbles, and a hobo that Haslam believed to be enchanted, you got Pettine.

The quarterback situation:

... I say all this as someone who likes Manziel. I would prefer to ignore the rather obvious fact that Johnny is here for the money and the girls, and just pretend he's some magical throwback that can turn it on when the game starts, like John Belushi hitting every line in a sketch after shooting 50 speedballs. But my inner football tightass knows this isn't how it works. My inner football tightness knows that Manziel is about to get his ass kicked.

New additions for this season:

... To make up for the loss of Gordon, the team brought in Miles Austin (say his name three times and your hamstrings wither!), Andrew Hawkins, and professional space occupier Nate Burleson. Ben Tate, who is only productive when asked to steal carries from Arian Foster, is now the lead back, with rookie Terrance West potentially taking over at some point. Given that this is Cleveland, I assume all five of those players will die in some kind of milk tanker accident.

Jimmy Haslam:

FUN FACT: The going rate to get yourself out of Federal prosecution is now $92 million. That's how much Jimmy Haslam paid the government to avoid being formally charged with ripping his customers off. So now you know. The next a cop pulls you over for speeding on meth with a cage of smuggled Peruvian lizards in your trunk, slip that cop a cool $92 million and you'll be on your way. Jimmy Haslam is the scum of the fucking Earth.

Magary always solicits reader emails from fans about why, in fact, their team sucks. There are more than 40 responses in there, including this gem from Deadspin reader John:

I had to kid myself into thinking Colt McCoy and Carlton Mitchell were a competent offensive solution in 2010. I truly believed Peyton HIllis would return to form and wasn't going completely off the mental deep-end in 2011. I was 100% sure that Trent Richardson was the next Adrian Peterson and Brandon Weeden could function as a human being in 2012. I even thought that Paul Kruger and Barkevious Mingo would be the greatest DE duo in football in 2013. Now I'm forced to believe in a cocky bastard rich kid who hangs with Drake and Justin Bieber (while doing coke) on weekends, paired up with a coach who looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin's fatter brother.

Just go read the whole thing here, and if you want to have some laughs at the expense of other fan bases, check out Magary's recently-published "Why Your Team Sucks" posts for the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Cincinnati Bengals.


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