The Wisdom of Dick Feagler

Friday, February 22, 2008

Dick Feagler: Snow storms just aren't what they used to be

Posted By on Fri, Feb 22, 2008 at 4:06 PM

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Today's topic: Snow… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This snow outside is a goddamned imposter. Why, back in my day, snow was something you feared more than pinkos. It was the great white equalizer, the frozen monster of blue lips, the sacred chill-cotton of the sky. And it didn’t come in these pansy-ass flakes. Why, in my day, the clouds dropped anvils and machetes on your head. But these days, you might as well smear coco-butter across you belly whenever there's a cumulonimbus cloud approaching. This snow is weaker than Dukakis in '88. ...

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Feagler: Vote Kucinich, unless you want to keep fighting guys in dresses

Posted By on Wed, Feb 13, 2008 at 5:44 AM

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Today's topic: Dick still endorses Kucinich for president… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: We’re still voting Kucinich for president. Why, back in my day, we had real presidential candidates like LBJ and Nixon, not like these broads and negroes they have today. If Hillary was running for president back in my day, we’d tell her to quit with all the yammering and go make us some pancakes. And they better be those skinny kind, like they got in Sweden. And don’t forget the blueberries...

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Friday, February 8, 2008

Feagler: Animal cruelty ain't what it used to be

Posted By on Fri, Feb 8, 2008 at 11:22 AM

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Today's topic: Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez caught on film at a cockfight I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: These athletes today don’t know what real animal cruelty is. Why back in my day, Bob Feller used to bring cages of starved rats on road trips. If things got boring during a rain delay, he’d put them in the rookie’s locker. When rook opened it up, it’d be like opening the gates of hell. Oh boy, those bloody rats would attack his face and chest like a German hobo with a sloppy joe. The team tailor hated Bob for that, I tell you. ...

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Feagler: Stimulus package is for sissies

Posted By on Tue, Jan 29, 2008 at 10:02 AM

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Today's topic: George Bush’s planned economic stimulus I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This economic stimulus is an under the table tugjob for the weak. Why, back in my day, we didn’t get stimulated by the government. If you needed cash, you were a vagrant, and the police had a whole set of laws just for you, with punishments that included burning down your shanty, spraying you with a fire hose, or paddy-wagoning you just over the Michigan border and leaving you there. ...

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

McCain: That Feagler is a Man Among Goddamned Fairies

Posted By on Thu, Jan 10, 2008 at 12:43 PM

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Editor's note: Dick Feagler is off today. Today's morsel of nostalgic Wisdom from Dick was written by Republican presidential candidate John McCain, on his new favorite topic: Dick Feagler I was on my campaign bus, and my aides all agree: This Feagler is my kind of Goddamned stand-up throwback son of a bitch. Why, I’m going to ask my Goddamned Mussolini of a scheduler if I can’t pencil in 300 seconds of face time with this Feagler when we’re stumping in Ohio. Over a hard-boiled egg and a Red Bull, I’ll shoot the shit with the man about the old days. Days so good that in those days, real Goddamned Eisenhower-fearing Americans like us shot the shit about the present. (Click 'More' to read on ...)

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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dick Feagler: White People are Pussies Compared to Back in My Day

Posted By on Tue, Jan 8, 2008 at 8:33 PM

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Today's topic: A gang of black youths beat a white lawyer in Shaker Heights… I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: White people just don’t have any balls like they did in my day. Why, back in my day, when the blacks started moving into our neighborhoods, we simply packed up and left. If they wanted to drink grape pop in the middle of the street, we didn’t call it a “cultural difference.” We called it bullshit and moved to Mentor. And we didn’t feel bad about it either. See, back in my day, there was no such thing as this white guilt, like they have today. If we had guilt, it was about real stuff, like spying on your sister when she got dressed, or getting your paw under Mary Lou Bilanski’s sweater. And if some lawyer from Shaker needed a random beating, we did it ourselves, instead of waiting for a pack of negroes to do it. And if we stole, we didn’t steal it from some lawyer out for a walk. We did it the right way, by running for City Council or getting on the board of a Teamsters local. Then we went shopping at Higbees, or maybe to the soda fountain with Mary Lou. And back in my day, we didn’t care if those savages killed each other, as long as they did it in their own neighborhoods, not in Bay Village, where me and the guys have coffee. And we didn’t do it wearing big jewelry like they have today. Why, back in my day, only trophy wives wore big jewelry. The rest of us just wore senior class rings and a nice Timex, which could take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’… This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Feagler: Marc Dann is Part Woman

Posted By on Mon, Jan 7, 2008 at 10:06 AM

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Today's topic: Attorney General Marc Dann, and his decision to attend a police officer’s funeral rather than tonight's BCS title game I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This Mark Dann has gone soft. Why, back in my day, men didn’t have grief. We had manly emotions, like anger, disappointment, and scurvy fever. And we didn’t cry like men do today, either. The only fluids our bodies secreted were blood, bile, and sweat by the bucketloads. And we didn’t sweat for no reason, either, like that jumbo hoopball star from the Miami team, Ving Rhames. We only filled our sweat buckets, which swung from ropes tethered to our shoulders, when we were doing things like building churches, hauling broken trains, and digging graves. And back in my day, we didn’t even have funerals. When you died, you still had to work. We’d set your body on a post in a field scaring crows, and pay your wife a plug nickel a month for the service. And if we didn’t have any extra posts, we’d hire your body out to a bar, to sit on a stool and make the place look more busy. And the bars weren’t like the bars today, with mechanical bulls and hippity-hop stars killing each other outside. In my day, we had real bulls in the bar, drinking bourbon with us. And when we got hungry, we took big bites out of their flanks, not like the swishy bar food you have today, your onion ding-a-lings and snickerdoodles and ... This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

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